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Accomplished Author

I am now an accomplished author! As of today, I have published my blog posts from 2008 into a book and my posts from 2009 into a book!!!!  I am tickled pink! :)

Processing

i am sure it is human nature to want to know the why in any situation and even more so in a tragic accident. even though my days are not quite as tough, and not quite as sorrow filled, when i do think of tom's accident, i tend to focus on those damn trees still. i have created a visual in my head of what i think happened...and oddly enough, it probably looks nothing like the accident scene. first of all, up until a few weeks before the accident, tom drove a white truck that was labeled on the side with his construction company logo. in this "made up" visual, i see his white truck crashed into a tree (he was driving his "new" truck...which i think was green...see i am not even sure it was that new to him). in this visual i see a hood pushed up and so many glaring lights swirling though the crisp october air that you cannot see any more details than that.

now my wondering has not been constant but it has been thought about a few times. i felt a pretty strong need to know more so i sent a short message to tom's emt friend and asked him if he could check around to see if there was anything that might help me process and grieve.  his friend was able to give me a few details. 1. a passerby called in the accident 2. this passerby did not see the accident happen. 3. the chief of my dad's fire dept (and previously tom's fire dept) was the first emergency personnel on the scene 4. the emt friend got a text at 9:28 from tom's fire dept chief saying they had lost their brother 5. the helicopter had been dispatched but told to disregard on route due to the outcome of the accident.

as i processed these five details, i am overcome with emotions. i want to address them according to the numbers above. for 1 and 2--it still does not give me any help in knowing the why--i cannot find a clue to help us figure out why he crossed the center line and crashed into the tree. i know he had a cell phone on him but he was not talking to anyone. i also don't think he was texting as there were not text received by his friends around the time we suspect his accident occurred. the blood reports came back clean--there was no alcohol or medications in his blood. i wish i knew who the person was so i could thank them for calling in the accident so tom could have care, even though he had passed on--to me it was just as important for his friends/fire fighter brothers and sisters to be on the scene to say goodbye. i am grateful that tom did not sit in a ditch overnight (and even more grateful that if he did pass away due to a medical emergency or the what not that he did not die at his home alone where we might not have known for a day or two).  for number 3--i cannot think of a finer person to find tom than the chief of my dad's fire department--this department has been a huge part of my life--my dad earned his 25 year award over Christmas (and that does not include the 8 years he took off to fight wild fire) and this was the first department tom belonged to. the chief of this department is a fine man. number 4--i am grateful to tom's friend for letting me know the time he got the text that informed him of tom's death. i got my phone call on october 28th, 2009 just a bit after 9 and at that time, i was not sure if tom was dead or not--mom had gotten her call from dad saying they were pretty sure tom was dead but he did not know officially yet and i truly did not want to believe it yet anyways. even just thinking of that now hurts my heart so much, thinking of my mom's pain of losing her only son. knowing the time tom's friend got his  text  from the captain also warmed my heart because to me it means that tom was loved so deeply by all that the word flowed very quickly. as for 5, my first reaction was tears--to think of help--a knight in shining armor in the form of a helicopter--to come and rescue tom but then told to turn around because it would do no good but then i spent more time thinking about it and that helicopter would have been no help for tom. he was already passed on and on his way to a better place. that helicopter was better off back on standby for someone who could use the emergency help and tom would have wanted it no other way. (the helicopter thought also reminded me of how much he loved ADVENTURE like being in helicopters...or jumping out of them....etc).

what warmed my heart the most about this short message from tom's friend  that listed my five details was that he kept referring to tom as "our brother"--to me that signifies a few things. it tells me that he was extremely loved. it also lets me know that tom left his impact on more than  just me me (which yes i know but still good to be reminded). but most of all, it reminds me that we are in this together--that tom was a part of so many of our lives and that we are all grieving--that on the nights, like tonight, that are so hard and so heavy for me to bear, there is probably someone else out there who is missing tom and grieving his loss as well.

tom's accident is beyond anything i can comprehend. i am certain we will never know what caused his death and i need to make my peace with that. in fact, i need to think that perhaps it is better if i don't know the reason....meaning, if something terrible happened to his heart/brain/spinal cord, etc would i have wanted to know of any suffering?  there is no rhyme or reason for his death...


i appreciate you taking time to help me grieve and process--it has been three months and time is helping heal, and so is writing.

Hair Cut :)

Tried a new gal for a hair cut and color....like the color--not sure about the cut. Just enough different from my last cut that I am not sure how to help the back....but for now it will do :)

Birthing Baby Sponge Animals

As we pulled out a drawer today to fix it, an entire package of "baby sponge capsules" showed up! Oh that is pure joy for little boys! We spent the next 10 minutes birthing the baby sponge animals and the 20 following "helping" them swim in the bathtub :) What a great way to spend our morning!

On Sale :)

an on sale present for myself!

Tom and His Duct Tape

i knew my emotions were high when the "Janik" tag that Tom used on his fire helmet cracked at the "K" and I cried.... :( (for those of you who do not know what a "fire helmet tag" is--let me explain. it is a rectangular piece of plastic with your last name on it. it is on a small key ring and has a "metal plug" so when you are on a fire, you "plug in" and can be held accountable plus others know where you are and what you are doing.) this tag was given to me by tom's very good friend Jason after tom's funeral and it means the world to me. it is a fairly large rectangle and it is bright yellow so i hooked it to my keys...this made it so 1. i can find my keys much more easily and 2. i think of tom often and 3. the boys think of tom often because they know that is his tag. it must have been getting kind of brittle and i sent it over the edge in my purse. i have decided that a small piece of duct tape will hold it together AND remind me of the true Tom. I still chuckle to think that the funeral home director had to remove Tom's "bandaid" from the finger he hit with a hammer.... it was DUCT TAPE! oh that brother of mine used duct tape to fix all kinds of things...even his damaged body parts. Gosh I love Tom

BBQ vinaigrette

so this week was not much a planning week for me--my brain is/was overwhelmed with grad school all weekend, luke not sleeping, trying to keep a house sort of tidy so i felt tidy, fitting in workouts for better health, prepping hs kiddos for exams, etc. etc. etc.

so with that said.... i did not plan a menu! i know--you are all probably shocked! i even shocked myself! we kind of ate on the fly but always had a full meal with fruits and veggies (remember i am back on my pretty healthy kick). one night we made salads (for the adults) and on top put breaded chicken patties (nuggets and strawberries for the boys)..... i had been making a home made honey Dijon vinaigrette but i was not particularly feeling mustardy so i looked through the fridge and found bbq sauce--more specifically honey bbq buffalo wild wings bbq sauce. their honey bbq is not your typical honey bbq; it has quite a zing to it and a heat that hits the back of your throat. i used that to make a spectacular dressing! i have posted the recipe below. in an odd way, i am proud of myself for not planning :) but already by thursday, i have planned my menu for next week!

BBQ Vinaigrette
Need: Olive Oil, Red Wine Vinegar, White Wine (optional), Garlic Salt, BBQ Sauce (add enough to suit your own personal taste buds)

Do: Mix the vinegar, wine, garlic salt and bbq sauce together until well mixed. Pour in the oil SLOWLY while you whisk (with a fork for me) vigorously! Leave out at room temp until ready to serve. Stir before putting on your salad! Enjoy :)

Generations!

We spent the day up North with our family on Sunday--we celebrated Christmas with my dad's side of the family (more pictures to come) but also spent some time down at Grandpa Bill's house. Grandpa Bill is MY grandpa--and he is my "Susie Homemaker" (he calls me Betty Crocker--i love to cook and he loves to bake). I have him wrapped around my little finger in the way that only a granddaughter can. I love that he enjoys my children--it makes me so proud that my boys enjoy Grandpa Bill and ask to go visit him! How many little ones do you know that ask to go see their GREAT GRANDPA! :) I love my grandpa so much and it warms my heart that even though he is filled with so much sorrow from the loss of his wife (my grandma) and my brother, that my boys help bring a smile to his face. We are so lucky to have my grandpa in our life!


Fred the dog too :)

Grandpa Bill likes to spoil my boys with cookies and milk----always :)

Our Little Men

Our boys were horsing around the other night and I took some pictures--Just love the smiles and enthusiasm they have for life! They are so much fun!

Seems like soon that Luke will be as big or bigger than Jack! :)

I love Luke's baby blues!

Exhange Rates

our equinox recently had to have the head gaskets replaced AND milled..... :(

on the way to pick it up, josh and i were discussing how much we thought it would cost.....josh guessed 150o, i guess 1322 and luke said 4 lbs. we followed up with his guess by asking what 4 lbs was worth....he responded by saying one big cow, one baby cow, one hay and one sheep.

after chuckling, josh and i quickly converted how much all of that farm stuff would get if sold/bought at the livestock auction to get a cash value. we estimated that all together that stuff would be fetch around 1250. it turns out that luke's 4 lbs, worth all that farm "stuff" was the most accurate estimate of the cost to have the vehicle fixed! :)

? How ?

how can it hit me all of the sudden that tom is really gone? life has felt more like a trip to the playground lately (with some excitement, some down time, some down right silliness and a few bullies) instead of a roller coaster which is good...... but just now, just this darn second, i looked at his old face book page and saw his smile--that darn goofy grin--and it hit me that he is gone. it hurts so much. it is so hard to look at his pictures and see his face--his smile, his twinkle, his youthfulness. it really hits home today that he was YOUNG. he had so much left to do and give this world.

if you have a moment and knew tom, can you take time to either leave me a memory of tom (on there, facebook or my email taboyer@gmail.com)

if you didn't know tom, can you take time to say a quick prayer for my family?

"kid-speak"

on our way home from supper tonight (yeah we did not stick to the menu......

jack-o says, "i don't like that song so much so i just circled my eyes."

Menu for the Week

Sunday: Pork with Roasted Potatoes/Sweet Potatoes and Salad
Monday: Leftover Tacos
Tuesday: Tilapia with wild rice and fruit salad
Wednesday: Homemade Pizzas and Fruit Salad
Thursday: Burgers with sauteed mushrooms, baked potatoes with broccoli
Friday: Spaghetti
Saturday: I have grad class.... not sure what we will eat
Sunday: Janik family Christmas
Monday: Turkey Kielbasa

With neighbors like these...... :)

L to R: Sam (8.5), Jack (4), Kaden (4), Luke (2.5), Chloe (8.5)
Sammy and Chloe are twins :) Jack and Kaden are two peas in a pod. Luke is LOVED by Chloe!

We LOVE our neighbors--they live next door and are fantastic friends! We depend on them for so much and in return help them out with whatever they need. We often share kiddo duties, ingredients, movies, dinners,sorrows, happiness, and LOTS of laughter! During the summer, we hang out daily and walk often! During the winter, we talk often but don't see each other quite as much. I cannot imagine our life without our fantastic neighbors!

L to R: Scott, Shannon, Teresa and Josh (in Scott and Shan's house)

The Cash Tank

Luke cracks me up :) When I drove him home Friday night from our family dinner out (we had two cars there), we chatted about money. I told him that he should remind me to get cash for an outing on Saturday. He agreed...and then asked what cash was. I explained it was money. He asked where we get cash from....I discussed paychecks, banking and atms with him..... he thought this over for a while. As we got closer to the house, he said, "Mama, don't forget to go to the cash tank for money" :) I chuckled and said okay!

Give me Patience

let me give you the background:
luke has always had trouble sleeping--more trouble than jack. he was a kiddo who gave up his afternoon nap just after he turned one. he often gets insomnia...and it used to show up every 4-6 weeks or so and last just a night or two but sometimes it shows up more often and lately it has been here for FOUR weeks.


_____________________

he does not cry when he is in bed. he does not cry when he is in his room or left to fall asleep. he does not cry when he wakes up.

about 2 weeks before Christmas, luke started getting back out of bed once we put him down for the night. this was new--in the past, he would only get up in the morning when it was actually time to get up. now, he is put to bed (no crying from him) and about 3 minutes after we leave him, we find him on the stairs....if we do not hear him immediately, he sighs VERY loudly until we find him. if we ignore him, he has called our names or come upstairs. once he fell asleep in time out, twice he fell asleep on the stairs. we put him back in bed and remind him he needs NEEDS needs to stay in bed. often times, this is repeated 3 or 4 times. after this long battle of getting him to bed, he is up in the night..... again, he does not cry, he just comes upstairs and wakes us up. he has been up and down for the entire month--almost nightly. in addition, he is up at the crack of dawn (6 am) normally....his normal time on the weekdays is 6:30 so he can get to daycare but he often gets up when I get up at 5:30 or when josh does at 6.

we have tried so many things..... encouraging him, snuggling him, music, stuffed animals, "bribing", discipline, time outs (even at 4 am), letting him sleep on the floor, letting him sleep with an item of my clothing, tonight he is on an air mattress.

i am not sure if we are in a phase or not. every kiddo is different and jack has not had a phase like this.

i am losing patience. it stresses me because i do not get good sleep at night and neither does josh. it is wearing us thin.

not sure what else to do. if you have an idea, let me know! i may or may not try it but at least i have some more options to think about!

Beautiful and Affordable Home for Sale

Sarah and Aaron have their home for sale in Greenville, MI. It is a BEAUTIFUL 1400 square foot home that is a modern day cottage. They are selling their house so they can move a little bit closer to work and cut off some of their driving time (Aaron drives all the way to Holland some days). Even if you are not interested in moving closer to us ;P, let your friends and family know--spread the word! :):)

Where can you find great information on this home? So glad you asked!
MLS number 776075 Grand Rapids Association of Realtors

or visit their link

Family Reunion 2008

my madly in love grandparents :) I used to tease grandma before she passed away that no one else could tolerate Grandpa for that many years of marriage! They were married over 55 years!

The Reunion was a time for my Grandma's entire family to get together--she is the oldest of six! All six were there along with their children, grandchildren and great grand children. It was an absolutely amazing weekend of "camping" up in Traverse!

My mom's entire family :)
L to R back row: Jack, Josh, John, Tom, Grandpa, Dad
L to R front: Mom, Lynda, Me, Luke, Ben, Grandma

my brother Tom and his son Ben :)

Our Family of Five at the Robinson Family Reunion in 2008.

From my friend Em

to help me ease my pain tonight, my friend Emily sent me this:

...Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5

the sound of the phone

i was taught as a kid that you do not call people after a certain time in the evening (8:30?). before october 28, 2009, anytime the phone rang after 8:30 or 9 i would get mildly irritated. now, since tom's death, i can't stand the ringing of our phone after 9:00 pm. it scares me to death! the shrill sound eats at my stomach and ties it in knots. the noise raised my adrenaline and puts me on edge. i think my anxiety disorder also plays into this. i know it is normal after such a traumatic event to feel upset around certain events or during certain times but i wonder if the high level of my emotional distress is partially due to my generalized anxiety condition?

this evening our phone rang--nothing was wrong, nothing at all and in fact it was a helpful phone call. there was no reason to get upset or feel sad, yet the minute the phone rang and i looked at the clock to see it was 9:01 pm, i got on edge and felt that knot start to form. i handed the phone over to my husband and burst into tears. i started to rehash the night of tom's accident in my head--the events that were put into motion and all those feelings that i had october 28th came flooding back.

calls before 9 (right before) or after 9:20ish are okay with me--that tells me that my brain is playing with me. i think that if the phone rings at 9, it must be someone calling with awful news. i know this is irrational and something i need to work though--maybe not today but sooner than later. i know that i will never enjoy calls at 9.... but you know what, they are not bad and i hope with time i am able to hear the phone ring at 9 and not have such a flood of emotions wave over me.

why?

why do children get cancer?

i mean really, why does anyone get cancer, but it really breaks my heart to see a child who just celebrated his fourth birthday have cancer...and has had it over a year! i just caught back up with an old friend from college, a mentor of sorts for me, and her little one has cancer. all i can ask is why.

A Step Stool

there are moments in our lives that we really just need help and we have a trusty strategy or tool that we use--sometimes we need help emotionally; other times we need physical help. luke and his use of step stools reminds me of this.

the child is at a very independent stage and continually wants to help with things he cannot reach, without getting help from an adult. in every situation at home, he rushes to find his trusty black step-stool and moves it into position so he can help out. he uses this stool in the kitchen to help bake cookies or to help grind coffee, he uses it in the bathroom to wash his own hands, he has moved it to our bedroom to climb up on the bed or reach something on the dresser, etc. the picture above was taken at my parents' house over the holidays. i was making green kool aid (a must at their house) and luke wanted to help. low and behold, the child found a stool so he could help out! as we made dinner at josh's parents on sunday, luke wanted to help out and dug a stool out of a bedroom. luke's ability to find a stool every where we go so he can do what he wants or help out where he is needed is a great reminder for me--it reminds me that if there are things i want to do or need to do, it is okay to use my "step stool" to help myself no matter where i am at or what the situation is.

i think my "step stool" comes in the way of talking--verbally or through writing. lately, i find myself reaching out to others to talk about tom--people that i do not know especially well but who knew tom. i also tend to post a lot on his memory facebook site and his old face book site, and as you know--also through blogging. for a while i was feeling quite guilty and bad for taking up so much space on his walls but as i think about luke and his use of step stools to help him accomplish things, i have come to realize that i need help grieving and using my own"step stool" of talking and writing is helping me. i also hope it helps others to read, and respond. i so need to hear what others remember and feel so i can continue to learn about tom. he was taken so early and even though he is my brother, i still feel there is so much for me to learn about the man he was.

as i re-read my post, i am not sure it made sense for you all but it made sense to me and i suppose that is what matters :)

The View

The view from our front window lends a peaceful moment as the sun rises every day. This picture reminds me that every day is a new day--every day we start fresh and make choices. It is up to each one of us to look for the good in the day and enjoy the small things, like this beautiful sunrise. Even with the sadness and sorrow we have had in our lives lately, I am so grateful that I can still find beauty and happiness in life. We enjoy the countryside so much! It provides a much needed reprieve from the busy-ness that all too often consumes us.

I hope you find your own sunrise tomorrow to bring you joy and help you remember to find the beauty in your day.

Ben's Birthday

today is ben's birthday--he turned 9. it seems like just yesterday that we were sitting at my parents for christmas and anxiously awaiting his arrival. it seems just like yesterday that jan sat on a hard chair because she was afraid her water would break and tom jumped up every so often when jan made a noise sure it was time to rush to the hospital. it seems like just yesterday i got to go in the room after he was born and hold my brand new and first born nephew (heck my only nephew).

it is hard for me to know that ben will continue to grow and tom is not here to guide him. we have not gotten to see ben much lately but hopefully we will get to see him soon and continue to see him often. with tom gone, it is so important that our family get to continue to be apart of ben's life--it is up to us to help guide him as his daddy would have and also share with ben who tom was and how much he loved and doted on his son. ben is such an unique little guy that i am not even sure that he misses tom on a regular occasion--don't get me wrong, i know he loved his daddy very much (and still does), he just marches to his own drummer since he is autistic and rarely is upset or sad about "normal" things. this is bitter sweet to me--sad because it means that ben probably does not think about tom much but also good because it means that ben is not continually sad tom's death was so different for ben than the rest of us. because ben processes so differently, it means even more to me that we need to make sure to talk to him about his dad and make sure he knows how much tom loved him.

happy 9th birthday ben. i know your daddy looked down from heaven and helped you blow out your candles. i hope we get to see you soon instead of just chatting on the phone!

Sleeping Beauty Lukie

We have found Luke sleeping at the bottom of our stairs TWICE in the last week...and that even includes us being out of town four days! The first two were taken today during nap time and the bottom one was taken at the beginning of the week after we put him to bed.

Luke is going through a phase where he hates being in his room and in bed. We have told him he can't come upstairs from his room...... so this is where we find him :)





Josh felt bad for him so he covered him up :)

I did put him back in bed this night :)

Weekly Menu and Recipe

Saturday:

Pan Roasted Herbed Chicken with mushroom, onion, and red pepper burgundy sauce!

Smashed Red Skins (alton brown recipe) with Garlic

Bread

Sunday

Stromboli with burger

Fruit Salad

Monday

Spaghetti

Salad with Sunflower seeds

Bread

Tuesday:

Chicken Lo Mein and Pea Pods, Mushrooms, Red Onion, carrots

bread or Muffins

Wednesday

Burgers

frozen broccoli

Chips

Thursday

Chicken Tenders over Salad greens

Fruit!!

Smoothies

Tator tots

Friday

Marinaded Pork Chops

Mozzarella and Grape Tomato Marinaded Salad

Wild Rice

Saturday:

Tacos

Black Beans

Rice

Pan Roasted Herbed Chicken Tenderloins was a creation I made for dinner tonight--SUPER tasty!
If you would like to try and recreate it.....
NEED:
Chicken breasts (or tenderloins)--boneless skinless
olive oil
dried herbs of your choice
salt and pepper
sliced onions
sliced red peppers
sliced mushrooms
chicken broth
Red Cooking Wine (I used Burgundy)
Dash of cornstarch
pat of butter

DO:
**heat a small swirl of olive oil in pan over medium-high heat
**sprinkle herbs over prepared chicken (cut off any "ickies")
**place in hot pan, sprinkle "Up side" with herbs, salt and pepper and cook about 5 minutes (should be browned)
**Flip and cook on other side until chicken is done.
**move chicken to plate and tent with foil to keep warm (might want to put on stove where it is warm but not cooking)
**add tiny bit more olive oil and onions/peppers saute for 5 minutes
**add mushrooms and saute 5 minutes more
**add about 1/2 cup of chicken broth and 1/2 cup wine (or just do all broth)---I did not measure :)
**use the wine and broth to loosen up all of the yummy "burnt" spots in the pan--scrape them up with wooden spoon and mix it all together
**turn heat up and reduce mixuture by at least half
**add your dash of cornstarch and mix (will thicken a little bit)
**should be a sauce but a bit thick. swirl in the pat of butter
**serve over chicken :)
if you do not like the veggies, omit or substitute :)

ENJOY!

Christmas Morning :)

Our boys waiting so patiently to open presents..... :) They were so excited for Santa that Luke got up at 1 am and announced he was up for the day (nope....) so I put him on the love seat in the living room. Then around 4:30, Jack got up and announced he was up for the day (nope...) so Josh put him in our bed and Josh went to the couch. Jack started poking me every five minutes around 5:30 am.... until we got up at 6 am and opened presents :)

Santa did not come in the house. Luke was terrified of Santa when we talked about him and rather adamantly declared that Santa was not to enter our house. To help ease Luke's fears, I explained we (daddy and I) would meet Santa outside and get the presents from him. Santa also gave us that awesome treasure hunt that I posted before. The treasure was the table above! It lives in Daddy's office so the boys can work with him. Luke also got a little V-tech laptop from Gma Tractor so he is not left out when Jack hacks with daddy :)

Jack LOVED all the legos daddy and I gave him :) Here they are building the fire truck, and trailer...I think :)

The boys were so tired from Christmas Eve that they forgot to put out the cookies they made. I knew they wanted cookies, milk and carrots left out so I wrote a note to Santa explaining how tired they were. Santa wrote a note (outside of course) and thanked them for the cookies. Look at the tray--isn't it cute :) It was a present from Jack!

To Tide You Over :)

Here are a few pictures from our Christmas Holidays to tide you over :) I have some pictures I plan to post, some special gifts I gave that I want to share and some emotions I want to talk about..... but I am tired tonight so all of that will have to come later! Enjoy!

We made deliscious home made sugar cookies on Christmas Eve. Luke was ALL about helping me measure and mix! He is getting to be such a GREAT helper--hard to believe some days he is only 2 1/2 :)



Jack did not want to help make the cookies..... just pick out colors for frosting and help decorate :) At 4.25 he is a very opinionated helper!

hmmmm isn't that cookie pretty?!?

Jack LOVES sugar..... :) perhaps he is part elf....