Christmas Eve

today is Christmas Eve and my boys are so excited. our house smells of freshly baked homemade sugar cookies, chex mix and cinnamon ornaments. the boys have wrapped presents for each other and we have wrapped, wrapped and wrapped some more. we (josh and i) really cut back on presents this year, yes to make the holidays more fiscally responsible, but also because everything that we NEED, we have. we have a roof over our heads, a bed to sleep in, nourishing food to eat, a few toys to play with, and family to cherish and love. with all of the loss our family has had in the past 6 months, it really hits home that things are replaceable, people are not. things are just that things-- the love you give and get from other people is so much more important.

today is Christmas Eve and my emotions are definitely conflicted. i am so excited to be with our boys as they are excited. i love the electricity in the air. i love the smiles on faces from thoughtfulness. i am also sad. my heart has two holes in it--my grandma and tom. the thought of celebrating the birth of Jesus hurts. but then as i take the time to reflect, Jesus, the son of Mary, also lived a short life. he too was taken much too early from his earthly family. again, it reminds me that our time on Earth is borrowed. it is not our choice for when we get here or when we leave. even as i think about all of this, my heart still aches. there is just not much time since i lost these two wonderful parts of my family.

today is Christmas Eve and i am looking forward to spending time with my sister and her husband. this is a new tradition we started last year when we were back in MI for the first time. being that my mom is a nurse, she does not usually get Christmas off so we celebrate Christmas on another day. today we, lynda and i, will share our love, memories and sorrow together.

today is Christmas Eve and i am grateful for my loving husband who supports me in every way possible. i am so grateful and blessed for his unconditional love. i am amazed by the two little men we are raising and appreciate viewing this magical time of year through their eyes. i am blessed to have such caring and thoughtful friends. i appreciate the cards, emails and texts that i get. please know that they touch my heart so much and i have so many thoughts i want to send back but it hurts right now to do so. i will write back when i am at a "gentle" part of my roller coaster ride.

today is Christmas Eve and I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas. May you let those you love know just how much they mean to you. May you take this time to thank God for bringing us a baby in that little stable.

Christmas Treasure Hunt

I am so excited that Santa has planned a Christmas Treasure Hunt :) He emailed me the stuff to cut out so it is ready for him when he gets here on Thursday. I am so excited that I had to share!

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas Jack and Luke. I have brought you a special present but to find it, you will get to go on a treasure hunt! Read the clue and figure out the next spot a clue is hidden. The clues will lead you to your surprise! Hope you enjoy it :)

Love, Santa

1. I think you two are very good little boys and work hard at helping your mom and dad. Your first clue can be found in something you help load and unload.

2. You left me yummy cookies last night and something cold and white to drink. Go to where this cold white drink is normally kept.

3. I love to play farm! I saw you had a BIG farm animal so I left your next clue on it.

4. Now you will find your present at the next spot! Think of the place where you have to be a little bit quiet and can “hack” there.

5. Surprise! Jack and Luke--your present is this little table! Keep it in your dad's office so you can work with him and “hack” on your computers while you keep him company! Ho Ho Ho Enjoy your Christmas! :)

wrapping presents

it hit today that tom is not going to be with us at our family Christmas (yes I know he will be there in spirit....but not in the way that gets under my nerves every single year). i spent a few hours wrapping presents and there were none for tom. with his absence, i have seemed to go overboard for ben. it hurts my heart today that this Christmas will certainly be different. as a family, we have decided that we are not getting together until closer to New Year's. even then, it will still be hard and i probably need to do a lot of mental preparing for the days coming up.

frozen peas

An Ode to Frozen Peas

For any boo boo I get
Right in my mouth not
On my head I bonked or arm that is bruised
Zero calories or so I am told
Eat enough of these and
No more boo boo pain!

Peas are great to
Eat
At
Supper too


Luke is obsessed with frozen peas :) He enjoys them morning, noon or night--yes I said morning! Straight from the freezer, and into a small bowl, the child is a HAPPY camper. Our frozen pea obsession started when he got a bonk on his head a while back and I asked Josh to get a bag of frozen peas out to put on top of Luke's head. I put them there for a few minutes and as they sat there, Luke cried harder and became slightly hysterical. It took me a little bit but I figured it out--He did not want the frozen peas on his head, he thought he got to eat them! :) Now any time he gets a "boo booo" I offer frozen peas..... in a bowl :) Does the trick every time--cures any pain a boo boo caused and Luke ceases crying :)

What works in your house to fix boo boo pain? (for your big peoples or small peoples)

Camping :)

Our campsite!

in two weeks, we had a snow day on a friday. i worked the following monday, tuesday....then we had snow days wednesday, thursday, friday! this gave us MANY days in which we needed to occupy ourselves...... we are a creative family and therefore days at home for snow days are not your average boring stuck at home type days--they are full of excitement and fun! to pass the time during one of our snow days, we camped in the basement. we made "tents" out of blankets, chairs, our bus tent and the card table. we even used a tipped over laundry hamper as a light saber storage area. the boys also built a campfire and roasted me lunch. we feasted on roasted deer sticks, raccoon chunks and s'mores. it was a very tasty lunch. i also had a present wrapping area at the campsite where i was in charge of wrapping presents for our family members. :) (allowed me to multi-task) our four, unexpected mom days were wonderful :)

Jack thought his tent was awesome!

Luke's goal is to be just like Jack-O. He also loved his tent :)

Roasting Deer Sticks and Raccoon for mom!

On a Lighter Note PART 2

Part 1

You know we are (tired) parents of small boys because......

*we STILL have a plastic dinosaur in OUR Master Bathtub and he has been there for a while.....refer back to PART 1 :)
*we read the book Walter The Farting Dog at least twice a week
*you enter into ANY room in our house (utility room and bathrooms included) and step on a stray lego
*we play superheroes at least four times a day
*instead of mom, I am often referred to as catwoman
*there is STILL a kitchen wisk sitting on the edge of that same Master Bathtub because a child put it there and it never occurs to me to move it back to the kitchen!
*I have impressed our children by making armpit fart noises and they laughed forEVER :)
*I am told that fruit snacks do count as fruit for dinner
*everything becomes a truck or can make truck noises (apple slices, a box, a present, a tree ornament)
*Darth Vader and Darth Maul are common characters we talk about
*the chairs in the kitchen are often used to make trains
*break dancing is a common hobby in our house

follow up to blogging

josh and i had a discussion about square pegs in round holes. he said my thoughts, even when jumbled and flittering, should not be thought of as square pegs. instead, they should be looked at as scraps of cloth that are to be woven into one functional, yet beautiful quilt.

blogging

lately i have had trouble with blogging--i still love to do it but i feel like everything that comes out is "choppy"..... let me explain what i mean by that. some days my words flow and fit together like a beautifully made garment (at least in my head they do) and others they feel like a square peg trying to squeeze its way into a round hole.

my blogs this past week are square pegs. my thoughts and emotions are also square pegs. i have so many fleeting and flittering thoughts throughout the day that are important, significant and often sad but at night, when i get time to process and piece them together, they are either jumbled or my brain it too tired to make them into coherent posts. this bothers me because on the days that i am able to process and write, the days that my writing comes out as a round peg, i feel better. i am healing. writing my blog is healing.

my blog has become a very serious place. it used to be filled with only happy news of my family, trivial yet often humerous activities that occur around our household, etc. between my anxiety, my grandma's death and tom's death, the majority of my posts are very serious and often sad. i hope to eventually get back to a place where my every day life is a bit lighter and therefore my blog too is a bit lighter.even when life is "lighter", i am still a fairly serious and complicated person and i find that by getting these thoughts out, i am a happier person--it is very freeing. by getting these tough things out in the open, i feel much more real and true to myself. i appreciate those who continue to read and help me through this very tough time in my life. i also appreciate those who are true to themselves :) i love how freeing it is for me and hope it is freeing for you as well.

Emotions of my Mini-Me Peoples

i have two little mini-me peoples in my life.... jack and luke.... they are so like me in many ways....

tonight on the way home from dinner and dessert with josh's parents, this became apparent when jack said he was sad (this happens a lot lately) and i talked to him about the statement. he said he was sad because uncle tom died and his heart stopped. i asked jack if he was sad because mom was sad tonight...and he slowly responded yes. jack is perceptive and really picks up on what i do and how i feel. i think it is okay that he gets that i am sad. i also think it is okay he expresses that he is sad (even if he really is just worried that mom is sad)--it has jump started so many wonderful conversations. as jack and i talked, luke blurted out "I'm nervous". now i just had to chuckle at that...one: does he even know what nervous means? probably not! two: it means that i have probably been talking about nervousness or asking if he is nervous WAY too much lately.... that is a by product of my anxiety and something that i think i need to start working on again (not asking if he is nervous). josh said he thought luke was perceptive...i just think he likes to say the same words as mom :)

i love that my boys love me so much that they want to be like me. i just hope that they minic my good qualities and not so much the bad :)

Ben's Christmas Program

my first thought tonight was that it was ben's first Christmas program that tom was not at. that thought broke my heart. as i lay on my bed and cried, josh came in to check on me. he reminded me that tom was at the program--:) that tom did not miss it and he was most certainly present. that was a nice reminder.

my parents and sarah (tom's good friend) were able to attend tonight, as did ben's mom (tom's ex-wife). i am so happy that mom and dad are working so hard to make sure they are seeing ben as often as they did when tom was alive. they are able to see him on the weekends, as they did before, and are still getting quality time with ben. i think it is important for ben, but it is just as important for them.

Sleeping Update.... ugghhh

ugghhh we are frustrated! i know before i said that rocking was helping.... well tonight was a new night and rocking did not help! i put luke down at 7:20 (got up at 4 am today)....we rocked for a bit, he cried and i laid him down. all was quiet...for about 15 minutes. then i look up from my bed (where i was blogging about rocking) to find luke looking into josh's office across the hall. josh took him back down..... all is quiet for about 10 minutes. i heard a noise, sure it was luke but when i looked out he was not there so i head out to the kitchen to look for a pair of shoes (under the bench by the garage door). as searched intently, my heart skipped a beat because luke popped out next to me from the laundry room. again, i take luke back downstairs and get him in bed. this time, i talk to him a minute or two extra and get him tucked in. all is quiet....for 5 minutes... luke shows back up in the living room and is WIDE awake. i took him back down, rubbed his forehead, turned back on his music and left the room.... at 9:15! holy cow it has been a long time since we have had trouble getting one of them down to bed..... makes for a long evening!

here's to hoping to a full night's sleep--:)

Rocking

luke has been extra clingy lately and not doing well with sleep. he does not want to fall asleep and does not stay asleep--needless to say we are tired! we have not rocked luke to sleep since he was a baby and really have not rocked him before bed (just a few minutes worth of rocking but not putting him to sleep) in many (many many) months (maybe even a year....) and usually both boys do very well falling asleep. i want him (and jack-0) to put himself to sleep and be able to fall back asleep when mom is not around.

i have a squishy heart right now and i am taking extra time to snuggle luke before bed. i am not a happy lady that he is refusing to go to bed and that i have to rock him but while i rock him, i am enjoying these last little "tid bits of baby" before they are all gone. i have a theory to why i am more "squishy" than usual..... when i think of tom lately, i think of him as my brother but i also am very aware of the fact that he is my mom's son. that he was her baby once upon a time and her first born. naturally as kids get older the snuggle less and there are fewer chances to rock, and share those intimate moments at bedtime. i am going to make sure i enjoy mine.

Recipes--Stromboli and Stuffed French Toast

Two SUPER tasty recipes :) Now you have to remember that I don't really measure things...so you may have to figure out how much of each ingredient works for you!


STROMBOLI:
**Preheat oven to: 375 (350 longer time/400 less time and a bit crunchier...I actually did 350 for a while and turned up to 400 at the end)
***Need:
1 loaf frozen bread dough (thawed over night in the fridge)
Olive Oil
Seasonings (pizza seasoning, or oregano, thyme, etc. I used Penzey's spices Pizza Seasoning)
Mozzarella
1 Egg white
Garlic Salt
Toppings (I used pepperoni, black olives and ground beef however, fresh mushrooms, etc are tasty)

**Do:
Spray a cookie sheet with "Pam" and roll out dough into a rectangle on it
Poke the dough all over with a fork
Brush dough with olive oil, sprinkle with seasonings
Layer toppings down the middle of the dough--leave room on the ends and sides
Sprinkle with Mozzarella (and more seasoning if you want--I did)
Fold the dough up into the middle and pinch together. Pinch ends tight--kind of crinkle them up and fold.
You will have a "tidy present" :) Wisk your egg white a tiny bit until it is "loose" and easy to brush. Brush on the egg white (I used my hands instead to get the egg white all over the dough)--make sure it is covered well.
Poke holes all over the dough with your fork
Sprinkle with garlic salt (can do Parmesan cheese too)

**Bake for 30-40 minutes until beautiful golden brown :)

**Serve with pizza sauce on the side

STUFFED FRENCH TOAST
**Need:
Cinnamon Raisin Bread (or plain if you prefer...or any kind you want)
Eggs
Milk
Vanilla
Cream Cheese
Electric Skillet

**Do:
Wisk together eggs, milk, and vanilla to make a french toast dip (eye ball it)
Put cream cheese between two slices of bread
dip both sides of the sandwich into egg mixture
fry on electric skillet until golden brown

**Serve with powdered sugar sprinkled on top and/or syrup :)

ENJOY!

Seemed So Real

i have had a tough evening..... when things wind down, and the kids are in bed, when the house is quieter and my thoughts have time to collect, when my day is not rushed--that is when i process.

i woke up this morning startled by my alarm clock. i had been in a dream that was so realistic that when i awoke, i was confused. i was certain i was somewhere else--not sure where--but it was not my house. immediately i thought back to my dream but most of it was already gone, already back to a dream. what i do remember has stuck with me most of the day but it was not until this evening, when i took time to process, that i realized how much it upset me. my dream was very realistic--i remember that i cloned tom. i remember him walking into the room where i was and his smile lit the entire space up. it was his easy going smile--the one he wore when he had not a care in the world. it was a smile that was usually reserved for "the ladies" he was trying to swoon, or just a REALLY good day for tom. in my dream, i recall his girlfriend rachel crying in the corner. she just kept repeating, "it is not tom. it is not tom. it is a clone. he is dead. he is dead." it broke my heart that i caused that pain by bringing him back. then i looked at her and while my heart was hurting, i wanted so much for tom to be alive so i reached out and patted his face (like i did so many times). then i woke up. i woke up to, what i swear, was the feeling of tom's face. it hurst me much to know that i did not really pat his face but it felt so real. in fact if i close my eyes right now, i swear i can see his face and feel on my hand the scratchy side of his face. it just seemed so real.

it was not until tonight when the house was quiet. when the kids had gone to bed. when my thoughts collected and my tears could no longer stay dammed up that i processed and cried. i cried for me. i cried for a while, let josh hold me and then called my mom. we cried together. we shared a few more funny stories of tom and then we talked about dreams. she too dreamt about tom in the past day--in fact hers was so real that she woke up and thought he was beside her. oddly enough, josh also dreamt about tom last night....and his was very realistic as well.

tom is showing up everywhere :)

This Week's Menu

Sunday: Homemade Stromboli from frozen bread dough (ask me for the recipe--so easy and tasty) with Blackberries (on sale), Strawberries, Apples and Grapes
Monday: Frozen Lasagna, Steamed Broccoli and French Bread
Tuesday: Baked Tilapia, Grape Tomatoes with Fresh Mozzarella Balls, balsamic vinegar and basil, Wild Rice
Wednesday: Popcorn Shrimp, Creamy Shells and Cheese, Glazed Carrots
Thursday: Cinnamon Raisin Stuffed French Toast, Sausage/Bacon, Fruit Salad
Friday: Pot Roast, Mashed Potatoes, Corn/Peas
Saturday: Tacos?

Remembering Christmas Past

This is from last year--Jack had free reign with my camera and he captured this picture of Luke sitting on my grandma's lap. Now remember, Luke was 1 1/2 and did not like ANYONE except his mom. I love that Grandma is still willing to her great grand son even if he is crying :)


This picture is of The Girls--My mom, her mom, my sister and me--in 2005. This is one of my all time favorite pictures. My grandma loved to get Christmas presents for us but was not always sure what to get. Because of her limited mobility, she often shopped from various catalogs so during the summer months, I would help her out by folding over pages that I thought had gifts on it that someone in the family would like. (mostly me!:)) Regardless of how old we were, we ALWAYS got a can of slim jims and a bag of Christmas Candy:) This will be our first Christmas without her and it even though it has been 6 months since her death, it still seems unreal most days.


My grandma and pa live just 1/2 mile down the road from my parents. When Tom would leave our parents, he would always ask Ben, "Do you want to go see Grandma down the road?". Because of this, Ben began calling her "Grandma Down the Road". I love it! When he was little, Grandma and pa were Ben's back up caregivers if Tom and Dad were called to a fire and mom was at work or sleeping. How many kids are lucky enough to have great grandparents who were able to care for them?!?!


This was Jack's first Christmas and it was a miserable one! First of all, he was not a great traveler and he was a pretty difficult baby. He was sick ALL of the time and his first Christmas was no exception--he had croup :( He was so sick in fact that we took him to the family doctor I saw as a kid and also called back later at night when he was on call to get further advice. Jack cried NON STOP and we (Josh and I) were worn out. Jack cried for my dad. He cried for my mom. He cried for Lynda. But when Tom showed up and held him, Jack was SILENT. Tom was so gentle with him--loving, sweet, caring. Tom was able to get Jack to sleep for a while....it was much appreciated! :) Tom loved Jack so very much!


Christmas with Tom was always interesting.... he is a goober, what can I say :) He decided that this shirt that was a gift for Ben would be for him instead. It was not Christmas if Tom did not pretend to wear something that was not his, put something on his head that was not a hat or just be a plain ole idiot :) (by the way, this picture was pre-jack)

A very Anxious Morning

tuesday night was a long night-the wind blew, the thunder clapped, the sleet sprayed--all of this kept me up and nervous. i was so nervous about the weather and driving in it that i only slept on and off most of the night and when my phone rang early wednesday morning, i got "anxiety belly"--so icky! wednesday i had a snow day--the roads were icy and snow covered. i stayed home all day, grateful that i had no where to go. thursday was also a snow day for me but jack-o still had school. the roads were icy and snow covered. i had options--josh said he could take him to school and start work later or i could have even kept jack home from school. but i opted to take him myself. this is pretty huge because i spent the few hours before preschool sick to my stomach--sick with anxiety. i knew i was nervous about driving but really could not process why. i have driven on icy roads before, in fact i have also driven in many a blizzards trying to get up to mtu to see josh. i have never been this anxious before about getting in the car and going out on the winter roads. on the way to school, luke sang and jack watched out the front window. he looked pretty nervous (perhaps he was picking up on my own anxiety and nervousness), and said he was helping to look for "things" for me. as i drove and thought about my children, the roads, my anxiety, etc. a realization hit me like a brick wall. i was mostly anxious because tom died in a car accident. true that his accident was not weather related at all but for some reason, it hit me that i was driving in a car and with the roads not that great, it could spell trouble for me or for someone else. the minute i came to that realization, i knew immediately that it was the root cause of my anxiety because relief flooded through my body and the tense-ness in my stomach eased significantly. i am amazed at what being honest with myself did for my stress level--by acknowledging the fact that tom's accident was causing me stress on my drive, i felt better.

i was able to drive home. i was also able to drive back and get jack without any anxiety at all. in fact, i feel so much better that i am no longer stressed about driving in the winter. i will continue to drive defensively and carefully but i will leave the stress where it belongs, not inside me!

A Shameless Plug :)

my mom-in-law linda is a very talented lady! she has been writing children's stories for a few years now--her first one was in honor of jack's 2nd birthday. up until last year, she was writing the story, creating the art work with colored pencils and having a local office supply store bind them for her. enter in her latest work of art: I Love you Bigger Than the Sky. This book is ABSOLUTELY amazing! Not only is the story wonderful, all of the artwork was hand water colored by her and she published it though blurb.com. i am so proud of her! you can check this amazing book out for yourself by following this link (the link even allows you to read the story and see the art work). If you like the book and would like to purchase one, you can follow this link to get 10 dollars! I think the book makes an amazing gift for daycare providers, new parents, grandparents, and just about anyone that has seen the amazing love of a child grow.

My Menu for the Week

SUNDAY:

Marinaded Round Steak

Skewered mushrooms

Olive Oil and Tuscan Seasoning Marinaded Grape Tomatoes and Fresh Mozzarella

Strawberries

Grilled Red Skin Potatoes

MONDAY:

Homemade Enchiladas

Spanish Rice

TUESDAY:

Grilled Sesame Ginger Pork “Chop” loins

Salad/Carrots

Roasted Red Skin/Sweet Potatoes

WEDNESDAY:

Rachel Ray's Go green chicken sammies

Guacamole

Carrots

Tortilla Chips

Leftover Spanish Rice

THURSDAY:

Sloppy Joes

Fruit :) (frozen strawberries or Apples)

Frozen Peas

Chips and Dip

FRIDAY:

Wang Ferry Brand--Spicy Garlic Chicken Meal

Fruit

Egg Rolls

SATURDAY:

I have plans so Josh will make something or take the kids out :)

It is Time: Part 2

monday morning november 2nd we woke up earlier than we had in recent days. it was the day of tom's funeral. we knew it would be a busy day so we had tried to get to bed earlier the night before but earlier for us was not that hard considering the norm had been around 2 or 3 am the previous nights.

All three of us kids had been baptized at St. Ann's Catholic Church--however, Tom had been baptized at the old Parrish while Lynda and I had been baptized at the new Parrish. All three of us have been through our first communion and confirmation at St.Ann's. Both Tom and I also got married at St.Ann's. In fact, growing up, we rarely missed a week of Mass--we attended as an entire family. when my grandma janik was alive, she was also a huge part of our weekly attendance at Mass. (on a side note, grandma was also the church secretary:)) okay enough reminiscing.... you get it, St.Ann's has been a huge part of our life :)

arriving at the church we found a HUGE ladder truck (yes...fire truck) backed into the church entrance, with the ladder half up and a huge flag flying high. we knew there would be firetrucks but to show up and find them there, it was just touching and beautiful. in fact, there were so many fire men and women from the city and township in attendance that there were many meetings between the liturgical minister at church and the firefighters to figure out how everything could fit into a service (Mass with other beautiful parts), and how the staging manager (yes...staging manager) would fit all the fire and emergency apparatus, plus figure out where all the various groups would sit, how many trucks would be left at city fire to cover any emergency that might happen during the funeral, etc. OKAY, so back to the day of :)

in addition to all of the very cool fire and emergency apparatus sitting outside the church, our family friend (who is also the church's liturgical minister) Jan created an amazing tribute to tom on the front altar. she took his fire gear and created a beautiful display--his firefighter bible was displayed proudly, a framed copy of his firefighters prayer, his helmet, boots, turnout gear all were set up to showcase who tom was.

we spent the hour or so before church paying our last respects to tom, and greeting family and friends. tom's casket was placed in the front of the church and continued to have honor guard stand over it. as a family, we were able to go up before Mass started AND at the beginning of Mass to say goodbye to tom. the service itself was beautiful. as it started, we were able to stand up front and place the pall over his casket--standing up there with us included my grandpa, my boys and husband, lynda's husband, tom's girlfriend rachel, tom's son and ex-wife, and tom's wonderful life long friend sarah. as we sat down, Mass started. I was brave enough to do the first reading. Lynda went up with me and we held hands to support each other during this tough time. our family friend Phil gave the second reading as well as one of the eulogies. After Father's homily, the first eulogy was given by retired fire chief and a friend of ours, gary. he delivered an amazing message that relayed toms' caring and giving. the message of this eulogy was tom was a giver of time--whenever someone needed anything, tom was there to give of his time and talents. it was an amazing eulogy. phil's eulogy followed and paid respect to tom by sharing the incredible work ethic he had, the amazing service he gave to the boyscouts of the years and what a wonderful friend he was to all.

following the eulogies, it was time to celebrate the Eucharist since we had a full mass. our family asked tom's closest friends to bring up the gifts with lynda and me. we also took up ben, jack and luke--each of the boys, as well as lynda, myself, and tom's very closest friends, carried long stem red roses. when we reached the altar we put the long stem roses in one of tom's fire boots. it was such a beautiful sight to see.

as we gave Father the hosts and wine, i realized there were no altar servers. now you have to realize that all three of us kids had been altar servers. tom started WAY back when he was barely old enough and i remember being jealous that he got to do it....girls were not allowed yet plus i was not old enough. in the years since, girls were allowed to and i became a regular mass altar server. during tom's funeral mass, i immediately stepped forward, asked Father if i could be of assistance and gave my service (lynda took the boys back to their seats). it just seemed like the right thing to do and would be a great way to honor all the service tom gave to the church.

as mass ended, we, as a family, went back up to tom's casket as the bagpipes played in the background. the pall bearers, including josh and john and many men and women who were close friends, gathered around his casket to lend the support to him now that he gave so freely to them when he was alive. it is interesting to me that i have been to so many funerals and yet this time i got more philosophical about why we have pall bearers. to me it is one last chance for the closest friends and family to support the deceased and their family--to give to that person the love the person gave while they were alive. we started to process out the church but had to wait....a long time.... i had no clue why :) we stood there while the bagpipes continued to play. i could hear sobbing all around me. finally it was time, and i figured out why we waited. the entire right side of the church, all of the emergency worker colleagues and friends of tom's lined the vestibule and path to the hearse. they saluted the casket as we passed through their tribute to tom and there was not a dry eye in the procession.

we immediately went out to the cemetery to hold tom's burial. this was the part of monday that i was dreading most. to me it is the ultimate goodbye and the thought of putting a body in the ground upsets me. i know it was not tom in the casket--his soul, spirit and heart were long gone but still his body, his earthen vessel remained in that damn box and to put it in the ground hurts. the procession out to the cemetery was over 2 miles long--pretty darn amazing if you ask me! as we passed people on the road, i saw people get out of their cars and nod in sympathy, we saw families salute, we saw many who grabbed their phones (probably to say, holy cow you will never guess that i just sat a TON of firetrucks behind a hearse:)) even though my boys would have loved it, i am grateful that grandma and grandpa tractor had kept them behind at the church to eat lunch....there was just so much that happened at the burial (next paragraph) that it is best they were not there.

once we got to the cemetery, my anxiety kicked in a bit. i saw those darn chairs set up in front of the gravesite. i hate those chairs--i hate what they stand for. i remember thinking at my grandma's burial, i am not sitting in those chairs. those are for people who are struggling, for family whose hearts hurt so bad that they have to sit down.....don't get me wrong, i do not judge those who sit down, in fact i encourage others to sit down. but in my own heart, i was not one of those people--i am strong and i am the one to support others--not the one to be supported. in the end, with encouragement from josh, i sat down. i sat next to sarah, lynda on her other side, then dad, mom and rachel. the chairs in front of tom were filled up. again the bag pipes started up and our last chance to be in tom's presence started. after Father's closing words and prayers, the fire chief of selma township approached my parents. if you remember, my dad is a part of the selma township fire department, they were the men and women who cared for tom at his accident, in addition tom used to be a part of that department as well. there was a lot of emotion as jason, the chief, approached my parents and gave them a flag in honor of tom. i had been so strong throughout the day. i had a few teary eye moments but overall i held things together very well. until this moment, as jason handed the flag to my parents i began to choke up. however, it was not until the next occurrence that i lost it and sobbed. after jason, the public safety director approached my parents with tom's fire helmet and asked them if he could give them something. they said sure. at that time, we heard lots of little clicks (figured out later it was the fire men and women turning on their fire radios) and then jeff used his radio to call central dispatch. he requested one last tone out for fallen fire fighter thomas janik (the tears are streaming down my face as i type right now)--central dispatch then went on to tone out for tom three times.every single radio at the cemetery went off in unison and it could be heard loud and clear--the love and support for fallen fire fighter Thomas Janik was announced! i have never seen so many men women sobbing in my entire life. it was beautiful, touching, emotional, sad, wonderful.....so many emotions all at the same time. afterward, no one seemed to want to leave but as they did, the emergency workers all lined up and tapped tom's casket on their way through. i sat and bawled.

as we returned to the church, we found the majority of the people stuck around for the luncheon. it was lovely to see all these friends share a meal together.

overall our day of goodbye for tom was beautiful, sad, yet happy. as my mom has said, we are not saying goodbye but see you later. with that tom, i will see you later.

The Scene of an Accident

i drove past the scene of an accident on my way home last night and thought of you tom. i was on highway 57 and could see lights from quite aways away. it made my heart leap out and my first thought was of your accident--i couldn't help but think about the men and women who responded to your accident, the lights on the trucks that flashed away in the dark night, the people who wondered what happened and if there were any victims. i was quite upset but held it together. jack was in the truck with me and asked if everyone was okay--i assured him that the accident did not look too bad and i was pretty sure people were okay. in my heart, however, all i could think about was you. i pondered that for quite a while,until i realized that when i see an accident, instead of thinking of your death, i would rather think of how you were always the first one at the scene to assist. you were a dedicated fire fighter and a great first responder. i will always remember the day i realized how amazing you were--you were young, maybe 19 or 20, and arrived at a scene where a dad and son had an accident where they were logging and the son had been electrocuted. you never gave a second thought, immediately started care for the young man and gave him cpr all the way to the hospital.that was the day that i realized you had a gift that so many others needed--the gift to do what is hard so that others may have a chance at life. you had a gift that is critical to keeping other safe. you shared that gift so freely. i was so proud of you and still am.

Part 2 still to come :)

i started part two but got tired so i will finish later :)

It is Time; Part 1

yesterday was a peaceful day. today was a peaceful day. when i say peaceful, i mean that my heart misses tom but it does not ache. i do not tear up at various moments throughout the day. instead, when i think of tom, my heart is lighter and full of hope for him. my heart is full of the love that i feel for him, the love that others feel for him, the love that i know he gave others so unconditionally.

with that being said, i think it is time for me to blog about his amazing farewell. i have thought about it every day since the funeral but my heart was so tender that by writing the words, by putting down the day on paper, it felt like a final farewell to tom that i was just not ready to give. it has been a month and 3 days since tom's accident. i think i am finally ready to share the last day i was able to see his earthly body, the day we gave him a send off.

tom's visitation was held on sunday, november 1st. we spent most of the weekend preparing picture boards and gathering treasures that we wanted to showcase as a part of tom's life. at one point, i had so much at the funeral home that i mentioned to the funeral director that i had too much there to let me know so i could take some home :) he smiled and said i was fine! we had tom's first pair of roller skates there (teeny white baby shoes that my uncle roger had hand welded "trucks" for and attached them to the bottoms), his boyscout uniforms, fire gear, pictures from past and present, letters from friends remembering tom, and so much more. the firemen had an amazing slide show of tom's service for them. they also made a gorgeous shadow box for ben that held tom's "fire tag", his patches, several pictures of him, etc. it is an amazing remembrance of tom that i am sure ben will cherish as he gets older. the funeral home looked as personable as we could make it. looking around, you certainly felt tom's presence!

knowing that we would have a fairly large gathering of family and friends, we decided to hold an hour of the visitation for family only and then three hours for tom's friends to come and pay their respects. it was absolutely amazing at how many people stopped by the funeral home! we were blown away by the sheer numbers of people, the kindness, the hugs, the friendship, the cards, the memories. many of these people who stopped by were friends of tom's. others were family friends, many of whom we have not seen in many years! it was amazing to see people who we had not been in touch with in so long still show up because of the impact my family has had on their lives. among the friends were old girlfriends of tom's, childhood buddies, employees of my parents' from when we owned the roller skating rink, neighbors whom have since moved, friends from out of town, etc.

for the entire visitation, honor guard, made up of local firemen and women, stood honor guard by tom's casket. to see them standing there, two at a time, guarding tom was absolutely beautiful. it was touching to see the respect they held for tom. my had placed herself near the front of the funeral home, near tom's casket and my dad had placed himself near the back. lynda and i were left to mingle on our own. we made sure to keep mom and dad supplied with a cup of water and kleenex :)

for me, the most touching moment of the visitation came near the end. sarah (family friend) and i were sitting on a bench when i looked over and noticed a group of people around my dad. as i looked closer, the people surrounding him were all parents who have lost children--and the deaths had actually happened quite recently. specifically these moms and dads had lost young adults--teenagers and young twenties. they surrounded my dad and poured their love into him. it was amazing to see these moms and dads who were still grieving over the loss of their own child give my dad support and encouragement. it was amazing to see them take him and guide him, to help him grieve.

the visitation, scheduled for three hours, ended up going for four and a half. it was a wonderful four and a half hours--you probably don't hear that very often about funeral visitations....however, even though we gathered to mourn my brother's death, it was still a wonderful time of sharing, crying, laughing, and grieving. it was wonderful to see the love and support for tom and know that so many people continue to pray for him and our family.

Wonderful Students :)

on mondays, i like to start my classes with "good things"...i try for every day but sometimes it slips away :) yesterday, after listening to my students share their positive things from the weekend, i spent a few seconds sharing my weekend time with my parents. they seemed genuinely interested in my second block, so today i brought in a few pictures--one of ben with my boys, one of tom's gravesite and cross, one of us getting our Christmas tree, etc. i am amazed at how intently they sat and listened to me. they made great eye contact, smiled encouragingly and asked supportive questions. my heart is touched so greatly. i also had a student, a young man, come up afterwards to thank me for sharing and to tell me that he was proud of my strength. i am blown away every day by the compassion and kindness my students show me. i am blessed to be a teacher and blessed to have such wonderful students!

A Message

I spent the majority of my day with Jack, Luke and my nephew Ben. We were all over town--well at least the West Side of town :) While we were out and about, both Mom/Grandma and Josh got some much needed rest--due to this, no one answered the phone today and messages were in need of retrieving... :) If you know me well, you know that I love to answer the phone. I also love to listen to messages (call me crazy) :) So I pick up mom and dad's phone, type in the code and hear on the other end, you have blah blah blah...I wait paitently...and what is the first thing I hear? Tom's Voice! Talk about shocking me! It was a message from right before Tom's accident and he left a message about table saws.

I sat there and played the message over about four times. After the second time, I looked up and asked mom if she knew there was an old message on the phone. She smiled and said, yup it's Tom :) She had the same glimmer of tear in her eye that filled mine. I then handed the phone over to Tom's friend Sarah so she could have a turn to listen before I listened a few more times. I very carefully saved the message then I moved on to the other messages--which I carefully recorded of course for my mom.

It was so odd today to hear Tom's voice--odd mostly because it was not unusual at all for me to go a month or more without hearing Tom's voice. We "talked" more online and via email than on the phone. It was lovely to hear his voice but odd. His voice was so full of life when in fact his body is not. His voice was exactly as my memory holds. I treasured those few moments I got to hear it.

I have not seen Tom on Thanksgiving in quite a few years (blame MN and then stomach flu;)) so even not talking to him or seeing him yesterday was not out of the ordinary. But today, being up here at my parents' house with our very non-traditional but traditional for us Thanksgiving meal with Ben and NOT TOM was ODD. It was tough. It was fun, entertaining, a beautiful day, yet still tough.

Four Weeks

Dear Tom,
A month ago, my life changed with that awful, horrific, devastating phone call. I will never forget the sound our mom made as she tried to tell me that you were no longer with us. I tried in vain to ration with her. I told her to have hope until we knew for sure....that what she heard over the scanner could not be true and that you were not the person in the accident. When she shared with me that Dad was on the scene and had already called to say it was my, you heart dropped out. It hurt so bad to think that you were gone--forever. Time stood still. There were no words to say. Nothing I could do to comfort Mom. Nothing I could do except pray that you were not suffering or hurting in any way. The tears stream down my face Tom as I type this. I know you are with God, that you are are able to see things that we are not privy to on Earth, that you are being take care of and taking care of those who have gone before us. I truly believe you are a Saint (ha :) again that brings a smile to my face) and that your calling in life was to help others--even those who did not even know they needed help. I look at all of the men and women you have guided to fire fighting--your passion gives them passion to serve others. Your passion makes it possible that every day others are safe, rescued and cared for because you have inspired others. Even though your Earthly body is gone, your passion and spirit remain. We love you so much and promise to share your spirit with others.

I will love you always, your sister,
Teresa

Turkey Day

my favorite holiday is turkey day--as i sat down to prep my meal plan, i started to feel a bit guilty for looking forward to the day. in fact, i am starting to feel a little bit guilty about looking forward to Christmas as well--don't get me wrong, i miss tom very much and know the holidays will be harder than hard but i also know that we still have a lot to be thankful for and that by feeling sad/bad/mad/guilty/angry/so on so forth will NOT bring tom back. therefore, i am hoping, as a family, we can still enjoy our holidays and spend time reminiscing about tom and laughing over the fun, crying over the sad, and sharing out holidays with his spirit. i also know i will miss grandma so much but lately tom is in the forefront of my mind--i have had four months plus to process the loss of my grandma. plus i wonder if i am taking tom's death harder because it was not in the "natural" order of things--people are not supposed to die when they are 33 years old. people are not supposed to die before their parents. people are not supposed to leave life so young. if you have lost a loved one and have had a great tradition you started at the holidays to remember them, would you please share?

on to turkey day:
Menu for the day......

Roasted Turkey, Sweet Potato Souffle, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, Deviled Eggs, "Relish Tray", Green Beans, Corn (I think...Sarah is bringing the veggies), Herbed Bubble Bread (so tasty and easy to make--ask me for the recipe), Homemade Stuffing with apples, celery and onion, and of course desserts (provided by Mother in Law)

On a side note, just because I am planned out and want to share...here are my meals for the rest of the week :)

Sunday: Beer Brats, Smashed Red Skins, Sliced Strawberries, French Bread, Chocolate Cake

Monday: Out (appt for Jack)

Tuesday: Tortelini with Red Sauce, Salad, Bread

Wednesday: Tilapia, Roasted Potatoes, Fruit Salad

Friday and Saturday: Up in Cadillac at my parent's house

Sunday: Taco Fiesta! (Black beans simmered in red wine/olive oil and smashed, fresh guac, etc)

rambling

it is getting late (for me at least) and is 10:00. i know i should be getting into bed but really i am attached to my computer at the moment. writing/typing/blogging actually makes me feel like i am doing something. you see, i am a "fixer"--that is what i do. i fix things when they are broken. with tom's death, there is nothing i can fix. i can't fix the hole in my heart, i can't take away the pain and suffering my parents and sister feel. i can't fix any of it. that leads my "fix-it" brain into other thoughts--even if i could, would i want to "fix" this? we cannot take away tom's death, so instead of fixing things, why not help myself grieve, process and learn from my experiences. i can learn how to help others cope with traumatic loss. i can also learn how to help myself in times of extreme sadness and tragedy.

over the years tom has done a lot of stupid things that probably should have injured him way more than the injuries he sustained and a few we can safely say it was miracle that he survived. i mean how many guys do you know that fall off a roof on their head and walk away from it? or the time he got hit in the head with a big iron bar..... or the time he was in the roll over car accident into a ditch? or the countless fires he has been inside of trying to protect others and their property? i mean when i think about all of this, i can't help but think, how dumb is it that he died because of a stupid tree. a stupid tree! a stupid tree! i was pretty upset last night when i called a good friend of mine from MN. i shared with her all of the above and said, why in the heck did he hit this damn tree and that led to his death. missy pointed out that his death seemed to be fitting of the life that tom led--he died in a way that allowed his friends to be there to say good bye first--his fire fighting brethren were there to care for him and love him up until the very last moment. it allowed for him to leave this earth in a "first responder" way. that has really stuck with me today. i had been so angry at trees but really, when i look at it from missy's perspective, i think, goll that tree gave tom one last chance for his brethren to share their love and respect for him. i still don't understand why tom had to die...and i know that i may never understand because it is not up to me. i am, however, grateful that he was surrounded by many who cared so deeply for him as his soul was lifted into Heaven. that he did not die from falling off a roof, or in a roll over without his fellow peers praying for him, or because he got hit in the head with an iron bar. tom died in a way that truly showed his helping spirit--he died and all those around him gave him love and sent him on his way with respect and deep unconditional love. how lucky for tom.

A Wish List for Grieving Parents

An 8th grader I know passed away over the summer. Her parents posted this on their site. Even though it is for parents, I have many of the same feelings as a sister. If you take the words and change them to fit Sister/Brother, the majority of these statements fit me.

A Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you too.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, please knew it isn't because you hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so please don't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know that you think of me and pray often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, email, note or a card, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in 6 months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will live with the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I hope you understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my daughter and I will always grieve that she is gone.

10. I wish that you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy", or "smile". These may not happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. Please patient with me.

13. When I say, "I'm doing okay, I wish you could understand that I don't "FEEL" OKAY and I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I've having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected.

15. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle one hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I am rude. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, please know I need a quiet place.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be the same again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand my loss, my grief, my silence, my tears, my void and my paid. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.

Wise Comments I have heard

unfortunately, many of my friends have dealt with grief at various stages in their lives--even though death is a part of life, i still say unfortunately because it is a time that family and friends struggle to let go of the person they loved even when we know that loved one is in a wonderful marvelous place.

over the past few weeks, i have heard many comments...and some have stuck with me. i wanted to share a few of them:

--you do not need to say good-bye to tom, just i'll see you later

--how wonderful that on the day of tom's death, you will get to celebrate his birthday into Heaven

--tom's death, even as untimely as it was, was fitting of him--even in his death, it was a "first responder" type situation. (as i thought about that one, it really hit me that he would have wanted it no other way--he would have wanted to be with his fire fighting brethren)

--good moments and tough moments may make up your day--but it is still okay to be happy

thanks for listening

Jack and Mom Time

jack is going through an interesting phase right now--i am certain it is a phase....or at least i hope. he is sassy, testing every rule/boundary, and asking questions--lots and lots of questions--some of them are just so he can be a smarty pants i am sure :) the phase started before tom's death and was already tough but it has certainly been compounded by tom's passing.

our life is different now. we are home less and traveling more--we head up to my parents' house because we want to be together. even though our time is wonderful, it is still different than what jack had been used to. i am also sad sometimes--more so than he has ever seen before. i have been really good about keeping most of my grief to myself until after bedtime, but of course there are times that i am sad when they are awake and i feel it is important for my boys to know that sadness occurs and is okay! i also want them to know that i am human--that i love, hurt, laugh, enjoy, anger, etc. they need to see the real me and i do not ever want to hide that from them.

we had friends over this morning for a play date--the littlest one is less than a year and a cutie. he loves to be held and loves others so i got to spend lots of time loving on our little friend--amazing to me was the jealously that jack felt--he got so naughty, stressed and angry. he spent a lot time hanging out in his bedroom and would not come out. i felt bad but at the same time knew that this was not the "norm" for jack--something else had to have been going on. we, jack and i, set a date for that afternoon. he was fussy through lunch and would not eat much so we got on our way sooner than later.

our first stop was the library. we played and read and just had a marvelous time all around. from there we headed to DQ for a treat :) and with me secretly hoping jack-o would actually eat something for lunch! well i got so much more than i bargained for--jack-o did end up eating some lunch but as we slurped our slushies, jack drew an inquisitive look on his face and out of the blue asked how uncle tom died. as an adult, it has been hard for me to accept the fact that tom hit a tree and died. if i had trouble as an adult thinking about this, it would be so much harder for a kiddo. i was quiet for a minute as i thought through this in my head. i then decided to give him the truth--that uncle tom was driving his truck, something happened and he ran into a tree. jack asked a follow up question--i get that mom, but how did he actually die. i responded quietly that his truck smooshed him. from there we talked about LOTS of questions that jack asked---what happens when you die? what does it mean? if your body goes into the ground, what part of you goes to heaven? which truck was tom driving? what kind of tree did he hit? where was the tree at? have "you" seen the tree? did the tree get hurt? why did the tree get in the way? what is a soul? what happens to people who don't pray to God or know about Heaven? will mom/dad die? what about grandpa bill ("he's so old") (side note: grandpa bill is MY grandpa and my grandma passed away in June so this is really pretty heavy on jack's mind)? where is heaven? will "i" die? if you die mom, where would i live? if dad died, where would i live? if mom and dad died, where would i live?

i did my best to reassure jack and answer his questions honestly but at his level. i have encouraged him to continue to ask questions as he has them. i also told him that at grandma cathy's, there is a book that we could read together called "There is a Party in Heaven" so he could see/learn more about Heaven. He seemed to think that was a good idea. at the end of our very very very deep conversation, he looked at me, smiled and said I love you mom :) He also commented that he enjoyed our date and some days he just needs more mom time! :)

our date today was good for both of us--it helped me think through things for jack but it also helped me think through things for myself. i am amazed by the perceptiveness of jack and the depth to which he thinks about things. he is definitely our child.

my plan is to keep communication open with jack--as he asks questions i will give him answers the best i can. besides that and praying, not much else i can do :)

Working on it

in the back of my mind is this constant need to blog of the day of Tom's farewell--his amazing funeral. i have decided that it will take quite a bit of energy from me (emotional and physical) and time because I have a lot to say and want to say it well. i am too tired today but hope that in the next few days i have the energy to blog it.

my days have been good and not so good this past week. in fact some days have had good moments and some not so good moments. there does not seem to be a rhyme or reason for my moments--just that when my moments are tough, i am better if i find a hug.

Normalacy

today i felt almost normal--i can think about tom without tears welling up behind my eyes, and i almost felt carefree. i certainly felt happy today and that is okay :)

Jack Grieves

sunday morning was quiet--josh left early to deer hunt and i had the bed to myself. the thought of heading out to church popped in but the boys were up and snuggly so i enjoyed my peaceful moments in bed with them. i am so glad i did. as we lay quietly, jack spoke up in a soft voice and shared that he was sad. when i questioned as to why he was sad, his little voice quivered and he replied that he missed grandma beep beep and uncle tom. (insert mommy's heart hurting here) we talked for a while about them, about that it is okay to be sad and okay to be happy, about heaven and about God. And then our morning went on. it was peaceful, beautiful and neccessary.

this evening, as i lay on the couch with jack sharing our busy days, he got that same look on his face that he had sunday morning. i asked if he was okay and he said no, he was sad. we talked for a bit again and then i asked him if he knew what i did when i got sad--he said no so i shared with him what i do :) i told him that i look at something that reminds me of the person that i miss--that i look at pictures, or things they made for me or even just write down things that remind me of them. i reminded him that he has really cool wooden trucks that uncle tom made for him and they are always downstairs waiting to be played with. i took jack down to see them and as he sat and looked, his little lip quivered again so i scooped him up and took him to the rocking chair. as we sat and rocked, i could feel his body relax. we talked about sadness and happiness and that both are healthy and normal emotions. after a bit, he was okay and went out to play with his truck. that beautiful wooden truck tom made his first nephew was sitting by jack's bed as he fell asleep tonight.

my jack is as sensative as i am. it is amazing to me that age the tender age of 4, jack gets death and gets life. he is grieving in his own way and that makes me sad yet happy at the same time. sad because he has to know the sadness of death already but happy because he is processing it and not bottling it up.

we will continue to share "uncle tom talk" in our house and help our boys remember the wonderful uncle who left us much sooner than we would have liked. he loved our boys so much!

On a Lighter Note

Life has been pretty heavy lately so here are tidbits to share with you that are a bit lighter! :)

You know we are (tired) parents of small boys because......

*we have a plastic dinosaur in OUR Master Bathtub and he has been there for a while.....
*you can find at least 4 "matchbox" cars in any room in our house
*there are cookie and cracker crumbs on every surface in the living room and kitchen multiple times a day
*we have at least 6 fire fighter plastic toy hats floating around our house
*josh has to do laundry at least every other day so we have clean sheets for Luke's bed :)
*the most common word we hear is MINE and it sounds like the seagull scene from Finding Nemo
*we cannot see the side of our fridge because of the numerous pieces of art work
*in work conversations, Josh quotes Disney Movies and people think he is odd
*People ask josh if he plays video games in his spare time and he asks, what spare time
*we have conversations about dead deer because one is lying dead in the ditch and our child still asks if the deer can hurt him (then when Josh said no, Luke asked if he could pet it)
*we go snake hunting in the evening because it is November and actually warm enough to be outside and the kids are wanting to
*our pumpkins look like abstract pieces of art because I let Jack take the knife (carefully of course) and carve
*there has been a kitchen wisk sitting on the edge of that same Master Bathtub for over a month because a child put it there and it never occurs to me to move it back to the kitchen!
*we have more light sabers in the house than people
*we've each gained three pounds in the past three weeks from eating our kiddo's halloween candy

thanks for laughing with us :)

Our Visitation

Saturday October 31st, just three days had passed since Tom's accident yet it felt like months. We had yet to see his body and even though we knew it was true, true that Tom had died in the accident, things still felt so unreal. Seeing Tom's body would certainly help us come to grasp the full concept that Tom, as we knew him, was gone.

As Mass ended and we hugged the ever growing line of friends, my cell phone vibrated. The funeral home was calling to tell us it was time, it was time to finally face the reality of seeing Tom. This had been something we had talked over for the days that had passed. We knew Tom's accident was bad. We knew that the majority of his injuries were from the chest up. We knew, specifically from conversations I had with the funeral director, that Tom sustained facial injuries. We also knew that the funeral director and his staff are amazing and were doing everything they could to help Tom look like Tom. In fact, we knew that they had put in hours upon hours to help him look less like a victim of an accident and instead like the man we remembered. We had discussed all the possibilities for his casket--would we have it open, closed, open for family, etc. The decision felt so heavy.

Lynda and John were downstate getting the things they needed for the upcoming week. Josh was at home caring for our children and getting them out for Trick or Treating (very important for any kiddo). It was up to Mom, Dad and I to see him first. This was a daunting task that made my stomach drop. There was another visitation taking place when we arrived so we were shown into a beautiful and private viewing room. Tom looked incredibly handsome as he lay there in his fireman dress uniform, with his "dress" hat sitting next to him. It definitely did not look like Tom at first sight but when you took the time to sit and look, to sit and talk to him, to sit and appreciate him, it was Tom. The director had done an amazing job--Tom did not look at all like an accident victim even though he was swollen--and he did resemble the man we loved. In fact, I think that anyone who has passed on looks a bit odd--and not so much like themselves, but when you sat down and looked up towards Tom's face, there was definitely the face of Tom.

We spent a good hour talking with Tom. During that time, I yelled at him--so angry that he left so much unfinished. Angry that he left a son without a dad, with nephews without an uncle, with parents without a son, left us (LJ and I) without a brother. As I yelled at him, I realized it was NOT HIS CHOICE--Tom did not choose to leave us anymore than we chose to have him leave us. Yelling at him was healing. Crying over his body was healing. Holding my parents' hands as we shared, was healing. Loving Tom for who he was, who is he and who he will be forever in Heaven was healing. I am so grateful for that hour with my parents. I know it hurt Lynda to not be there when we got to see him for the first time since his accident (but she did get some good private time the next day)--but I still am so blessed to have shared that with my parents. There was something so intimate about viewing him and getting that private time to say goodbye.

Tom looked so handsome that we went with an open casket. We felt it was only fair for his friends to get that same chance to say goodbye that we had. Tom looked handsome and we are forever grateful to our wonderful funeral home for taking the time to help Tom look so honorable and dignified.

Our private visitation was much needed.

Bittersweet

i am a fan of dark chocolate--bittersweet chocolate. i like that it is intense, full of flavor, a teeny bit sweet yet so sassy.

if i like it so well in a chocolate, why then, when life throws bitter sweet my way do i get upset?

today was a bitter sweet day. it was intense, full of life, a tiny bit sweet yet so sassy. we, ben (tom's son), jack, luke and i, played the morning away. it was so sweet, free and innocent. we ran errands together (the four of us again), visited great grandpa, and picked up yummy bad for us fast food for lunch. we were so carefree..... after our short rest, we went ice skating. it was fun but ben did not enjoy it as much as he had in the past and even seemed sad. being that ben is autistic, we do not usually see a lot of emotion from him, other than frustration and happy. in hindsight, things are so much more clear--ice skating was the thing that he and his daddy did together that they both enjoyed so much. ben loves his daddy so much. we looked a few pictures today and ben kissed the frame--it is apparent to me that even with all of his difficulties, ben gets it. he gets the reality. i think ben knows tom is not coming back and for any kid that would be devestating but for ben we don't really know what he thinks about it.

this is where the bitter sweet part comes in for me. ben knows his daddy is gone but does he hurt? in his own way he hurts but it is perhaps a blessing that ben does not process death as other children might. life was also bitter sweet today as i enjoyed our day so much yet my heart hurts because tom was not there to enjoy it. my heart hurts at the thought of ben skating with us but wanting his daddy so much.

as i left my parent's house tonight, i was conflicted. did i just have a wonderful day? i know i did but still my heart hurt. the boys were asleep within 5 minutes of leaving my parent's house so josh and i got over an hour to process, talk and share. it was wonderful and it was a nice way to end my bitter sweet day--back on a sweet note.

The What Ifs

when night is here and all is quiet, the what ifs creap into my thoughts. i try to keep them at bay but night after night they are back. what if that tree was smaller? what if tom had stayed longer at his friend's house? what if his truck had been going faster or slower? what if he had been driving his car instead of his truck? what if i had called him that day? what if ben had been with him? what if he had stayed home that night? what it.....what if....what if..... i tell myself night after night that the what ifs don't matter but my heart still aches for the what ifs.

All Saints Day

The Holy Day of Obligation for the Catholic Church, All Saints Day, fell on Halloween this year, which was Saturday--and the usual day of the week my parents attend Mass. I joined them this past week. Since it fell on a Saturday, it could be counted for your Holy Day and for your regular weekly church :) (normally you should go to regular church that week AND the Holy Day Mass).... okay enough education about why I was at this particular mass! :)

All Saints Day is a mass that celebrate those who have gone on before us--it is a mass to celebrate the dead. I did not know it was this particular mass until church started..... and that is when my tears started. Listening to the scripture reminded me so much of sitting and picking out Tom's funeral scripture just two days before. Not only that but the particular readings were very much aimed at remembering those who have died and about rising from the dead. The hymns sung were some of the same ones I picked to have sung at Tom's funeral. My heart was so full of sorrow and happiness at the same time--such an odd thing for me to feel. My heart was aching for my own personal loss and those around me who will not have Tom any more in their lives--like my nephew Ben who no longer has a dad around, my parents whose son is gone from their daily/weekly lives, etc.--but then my heart was also happy at the thought of Tom going on to Heaven and getting to see God's glory.

As church went on, our priest discussed the concept of Saints. His homily's message was that all who have gone before us and are in Heaven are Saints--that gave me a pretty good chuckle :) I have never thought of Tom as a Saint before but then again there is a first time for everything! :)

When church ended on Saturday, I found my cheeks stained with tears but my heart a bit lighter. It was like I was supposed to be at that mass to help my heart heal. It was a good Mass for me to be at and really brought me quite a bit of peace. It gave me a lot to think about. I have come to the conclusion that we truly do not know why things happen and we are not supposed to know. A wise friend told me recently that we are looking at the underside of God's great tapestry and Tom is now on the other side and gets to see all of the beauty and God's glory. Only Tom knows truly what happened and why it was his time. My heart is more peaceful when I think of that. My heart is also more peaceful knowing that Tom loved to serve others and love to give of himself--this is very evident as you think about all the firemen and firewomen who prayed around him at the accident scene when they realized he was dead. Tom's calling may have been to help others see the love of God through his own love and service. I am still sad and tear up but my heart is much more peaceful than it was even a few days ago.

I love you Tom. I think of you often and smile.

Thanks for listening to my rambles :)

Support from Many!

it is truly amazing how many people have given my entire family (including my parents, sister, brother in law, husband, kids, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) support over the past week and a half. some of these people who have supported us were close friends of tom, others are close friends to us, and for sure everyone that has given support love my family.

planning tom's visitation and funeral seemed unreal. we truly had no clue how many people would show up, how much time would be needed, how many people would be at the luncheon etc. i am amazed by the number of people who came to support us, share stories, give hugs, and grieve with us. it was truly a blessing to have people stop by the house and share their love with us! mom and dad still have people stopping by to visit and that makes my heart swell with love. that giving spirit that tom had is living on in other people.

Pictures Say a Thousand Words

A proud Uncle Tom loving on Baby Luke

Proud Uncle Tom with Luke

Being goofy Uncle Tom with Jack

Playing "Twirl" with Ben (his son) and Jack

Looking PRETTY for Lynda's wedding :)

Uncle Tom showing the boys how to drive a fire truck.

My favorite picture of Uncle Tom and the boys

sorry you have to look sideways for this one :)

My dad, Tom and his son on their way to the annual Father's Day Breakfast

waterworks

i felt stronger today than i have in a week. today was my 2nd day back to work and it was okay...in fact it was better than okay. yesterday was okay but today i was busy, and had tons of work to catch up on....but more importantly, i was able to smile today and enjoy my students. i was doing pretty well. i even did okay when i got home--my boys were full of energy and sass as we played with their trains and just hung out. the waterworks started this evening when i looked at tom's facebook page.

i can't help it; i am drawn to it and want to see who has posted, what they have to say, etc. in my brain i know he is gone but when there is still a fb page, he must still be around, right? i looked through all of his pictures and got stuck when i found a picture of tom and ben at the sleeping bear dunes on a visit with ben's school...... it was such an innocent picture that expressed all the love tom had for ben. it hurts my heart to know that ben no longer has his dad to do all of the things that he did with him--things that made their relationship so special--tom loved to take ben ice skating, roller skating, and on adventures. he loved to teach ben new things--like to play hockey, and how to build things out of wood. tom made a point to get ben out in the world and trying new things.

i know waterworks are okay. josh sat and held me. his loving touch was comforting and his words were so helpful--he just kept reminding me that tears are okay and healing. that my memories will help keep tom alive.

thanks for listening to this rather rambly-scattered post :)