I spent the majority of my day with Jack, Luke and my nephew Ben. We were all over town--well at least the West Side of town :) While we were out and about, both Mom/Grandma and Josh got some much needed rest--due to this, no one answered the phone today and messages were in need of retrieving... :) If you know me well, you know that I love to answer the phone. I also love to listen to messages (call me crazy) :) So I pick up mom and dad's phone, type in the code and hear on the other end, you have blah blah blah...I wait paitently...and what is the first thing I hear? Tom's Voice! Talk about shocking me! It was a message from right before Tom's accident and he left a message about table saws.
I sat there and played the message over about four times. After the second time, I looked up and asked mom if she knew there was an old message on the phone. She smiled and said, yup it's Tom :) She had the same glimmer of tear in her eye that filled mine. I then handed the phone over to Tom's friend Sarah so she could have a turn to listen before I listened a few more times. I very carefully saved the message then I moved on to the other messages--which I carefully recorded of course for my mom.
It was so odd today to hear Tom's voice--odd mostly because it was not unusual at all for me to go a month or more without hearing Tom's voice. We "talked" more online and via email than on the phone. It was lovely to hear his voice but odd. His voice was so full of life when in fact his body is not. His voice was exactly as my memory holds. I treasured those few moments I got to hear it.
I have not seen Tom on Thanksgiving in quite a few years (blame MN and then stomach flu;)) so even not talking to him or seeing him yesterday was not out of the ordinary. But today, being up here at my parents' house with our very non-traditional but traditional for us Thanksgiving meal with Ben and NOT TOM was ODD. It was tough. It was fun, entertaining, a beautiful day, yet still tough.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Four Weeks
Dear Tom,
A month ago, my life changed with that awful, horrific, devastating phone call. I will never forget the sound our mom made as she tried to tell me that you were no longer with us. I tried in vain to ration with her. I told her to have hope until we knew for sure....that what she heard over the scanner could not be true and that you were not the person in the accident. When she shared with me that Dad was on the scene and had already called to say it was my, you heart dropped out. It hurt so bad to think that you were gone--forever. Time stood still. There were no words to say. Nothing I could do to comfort Mom. Nothing I could do except pray that you were not suffering or hurting in any way. The tears stream down my face Tom as I type this. I know you are with God, that you are are able to see things that we are not privy to on Earth, that you are being take care of and taking care of those who have gone before us. I truly believe you are a Saint (ha :) again that brings a smile to my face) and that your calling in life was to help others--even those who did not even know they needed help. I look at all of the men and women you have guided to fire fighting--your passion gives them passion to serve others. Your passion makes it possible that every day others are safe, rescued and cared for because you have inspired others. Even though your Earthly body is gone, your passion and spirit remain. We love you so much and promise to share your spirit with others.
I will love you always, your sister,
Teresa
A month ago, my life changed with that awful, horrific, devastating phone call. I will never forget the sound our mom made as she tried to tell me that you were no longer with us. I tried in vain to ration with her. I told her to have hope until we knew for sure....that what she heard over the scanner could not be true and that you were not the person in the accident. When she shared with me that Dad was on the scene and had already called to say it was my, you heart dropped out. It hurt so bad to think that you were gone--forever. Time stood still. There were no words to say. Nothing I could do to comfort Mom. Nothing I could do except pray that you were not suffering or hurting in any way. The tears stream down my face Tom as I type this. I know you are with God, that you are are able to see things that we are not privy to on Earth, that you are being take care of and taking care of those who have gone before us. I truly believe you are a Saint (ha :) again that brings a smile to my face) and that your calling in life was to help others--even those who did not even know they needed help. I look at all of the men and women you have guided to fire fighting--your passion gives them passion to serve others. Your passion makes it possible that every day others are safe, rescued and cared for because you have inspired others. Even though your Earthly body is gone, your passion and spirit remain. We love you so much and promise to share your spirit with others.
I will love you always, your sister,
Teresa
Monday, November 23, 2009
Turkey Day
my favorite holiday is turkey day--as i sat down to prep my meal plan, i started to feel a bit guilty for looking forward to the day. in fact, i am starting to feel a little bit guilty about looking forward to Christmas as well--don't get me wrong, i miss tom very much and know the holidays will be harder than hard but i also know that we still have a lot to be thankful for and that by feeling sad/bad/mad/guilty/angry/so on so forth will NOT bring tom back. therefore, i am hoping, as a family, we can still enjoy our holidays and spend time reminiscing about tom and laughing over the fun, crying over the sad, and sharing out holidays with his spirit. i also know i will miss grandma so much but lately tom is in the forefront of my mind--i have had four months plus to process the loss of my grandma. plus i wonder if i am taking tom's death harder because it was not in the "natural" order of things--people are not supposed to die when they are 33 years old. people are not supposed to die before their parents. people are not supposed to leave life so young. if you have lost a loved one and have had a great tradition you started at the holidays to remember them, would you please share?
on to turkey day:
Menu for the day......
On a side note, just because I am planned out and want to share...here are my meals for the rest of the week :)
on to turkey day:
Menu for the day......
Roasted Turkey, Sweet Potato Souffle, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, Deviled Eggs, "Relish Tray", Green Beans, Corn (I think...Sarah is bringing the veggies), Herbed Bubble Bread (so tasty and easy to make--ask me for the recipe), Homemade Stuffing with apples, celery and onion, and of course desserts (provided by Mother in Law)
On a side note, just because I am planned out and want to share...here are my meals for the rest of the week :)
Sunday: Beer Brats, Smashed Red Skins, Sliced Strawberries, French Bread, Chocolate Cake
Monday: Out (appt for Jack)
Tuesday: Tortelini with Red Sauce, Salad, Bread
Wednesday: Tilapia, Roasted Potatoes, Fruit Salad
Friday and Saturday: Up in Cadillac at my parent's house
Sunday: Taco Fiesta! (Black beans simmered in red wine/olive oil and smashed, fresh guac, etc)
Saturday, November 21, 2009
rambling
it is getting late (for me at least) and is 10:00. i know i should be getting into bed but really i am attached to my computer at the moment. writing/typing/blogging actually makes me feel like i am doing something. you see, i am a "fixer"--that is what i do. i fix things when they are broken. with tom's death, there is nothing i can fix. i can't fix the hole in my heart, i can't take away the pain and suffering my parents and sister feel. i can't fix any of it. that leads my "fix-it" brain into other thoughts--even if i could, would i want to "fix" this? we cannot take away tom's death, so instead of fixing things, why not help myself grieve, process and learn from my experiences. i can learn how to help others cope with traumatic loss. i can also learn how to help myself in times of extreme sadness and tragedy.
over the years tom has done a lot of stupid things that probably should have injured him way more than the injuries he sustained and a few we can safely say it was miracle that he survived. i mean how many guys do you know that fall off a roof on their head and walk away from it? or the time he got hit in the head with a big iron bar..... or the time he was in the roll over car accident into a ditch? or the countless fires he has been inside of trying to protect others and their property? i mean when i think about all of this, i can't help but think, how dumb is it that he died because of a stupid tree. a stupid tree! a stupid tree! i was pretty upset last night when i called a good friend of mine from MN. i shared with her all of the above and said, why in the heck did he hit this damn tree and that led to his death. missy pointed out that his death seemed to be fitting of the life that tom led--he died in a way that allowed his friends to be there to say good bye first--his fire fighting brethren were there to care for him and love him up until the very last moment. it allowed for him to leave this earth in a "first responder" way. that has really stuck with me today. i had been so angry at trees but really, when i look at it from missy's perspective, i think, goll that tree gave tom one last chance for his brethren to share their love and respect for him. i still don't understand why tom had to die...and i know that i may never understand because it is not up to me. i am, however, grateful that he was surrounded by many who cared so deeply for him as his soul was lifted into Heaven. that he did not die from falling off a roof, or in a roll over without his fellow peers praying for him, or because he got hit in the head with an iron bar. tom died in a way that truly showed his helping spirit--he died and all those around him gave him love and sent him on his way with respect and deep unconditional love. how lucky for tom.
over the years tom has done a lot of stupid things that probably should have injured him way more than the injuries he sustained and a few we can safely say it was miracle that he survived. i mean how many guys do you know that fall off a roof on their head and walk away from it? or the time he got hit in the head with a big iron bar..... or the time he was in the roll over car accident into a ditch? or the countless fires he has been inside of trying to protect others and their property? i mean when i think about all of this, i can't help but think, how dumb is it that he died because of a stupid tree. a stupid tree! a stupid tree! i was pretty upset last night when i called a good friend of mine from MN. i shared with her all of the above and said, why in the heck did he hit this damn tree and that led to his death. missy pointed out that his death seemed to be fitting of the life that tom led--he died in a way that allowed his friends to be there to say good bye first--his fire fighting brethren were there to care for him and love him up until the very last moment. it allowed for him to leave this earth in a "first responder" way. that has really stuck with me today. i had been so angry at trees but really, when i look at it from missy's perspective, i think, goll that tree gave tom one last chance for his brethren to share their love and respect for him. i still don't understand why tom had to die...and i know that i may never understand because it is not up to me. i am, however, grateful that he was surrounded by many who cared so deeply for him as his soul was lifted into Heaven. that he did not die from falling off a roof, or in a roll over without his fellow peers praying for him, or because he got hit in the head with an iron bar. tom died in a way that truly showed his helping spirit--he died and all those around him gave him love and sent him on his way with respect and deep unconditional love. how lucky for tom.
A Wish List for Grieving Parents
An 8th grader I know passed away over the summer. Her parents posted this on their site. Even though it is for parents, I have many of the same feelings as a sister. If you take the words and change them to fit Sister/Brother, the majority of these statements fit me.
A Bereaved Parents Wish List
A Bereaved Parents Wish List
1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you too.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, please knew it isn't because you hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so please don't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
5. I need diversions so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
6. I know that you think of me and pray often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, email, note or a card, or a real big hug.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in 6 months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will live with the death of my child until the day I die.
9. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I hope you understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my daughter and I will always grieve that she is gone.
10. I wish that you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy", or "smile". These may not happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
11. I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. Please patient with me.
13. When I say, "I'm doing okay, I wish you could understand that I don't "FEEL" OKAY and I struggle daily.
14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I've having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected.
15. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle one hour at a time.
16. Please excuse me if I am rude. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, please know I need a quiet place.
17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be the same again.
18. I wish very much that you could understand my loss, my grief, my silence, my tears, my void and my paid. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.
Wise Comments I have heard
unfortunately, many of my friends have dealt with grief at various stages in their lives--even though death is a part of life, i still say unfortunately because it is a time that family and friends struggle to let go of the person they loved even when we know that loved one is in a wonderful marvelous place.
over the past few weeks, i have heard many comments...and some have stuck with me. i wanted to share a few of them:
--you do not need to say good-bye to tom, just i'll see you later
--how wonderful that on the day of tom's death, you will get to celebrate his birthday into Heaven
--tom's death, even as untimely as it was, was fitting of him--even in his death, it was a "first responder" type situation. (as i thought about that one, it really hit me that he would have wanted it no other way--he would have wanted to be with his fire fighting brethren)
--good moments and tough moments may make up your day--but it is still okay to be happy
thanks for listening
over the past few weeks, i have heard many comments...and some have stuck with me. i wanted to share a few of them:
--you do not need to say good-bye to tom, just i'll see you later
--how wonderful that on the day of tom's death, you will get to celebrate his birthday into Heaven
--tom's death, even as untimely as it was, was fitting of him--even in his death, it was a "first responder" type situation. (as i thought about that one, it really hit me that he would have wanted it no other way--he would have wanted to be with his fire fighting brethren)
--good moments and tough moments may make up your day--but it is still okay to be happy
thanks for listening
Jack and Mom Time
jack is going through an interesting phase right now--i am certain it is a phase....or at least i hope. he is sassy, testing every rule/boundary, and asking questions--lots and lots of questions--some of them are just so he can be a smarty pants i am sure :) the phase started before tom's death and was already tough but it has certainly been compounded by tom's passing.
our life is different now. we are home less and traveling more--we head up to my parents' house because we want to be together. even though our time is wonderful, it is still different than what jack had been used to. i am also sad sometimes--more so than he has ever seen before. i have been really good about keeping most of my grief to myself until after bedtime, but of course there are times that i am sad when they are awake and i feel it is important for my boys to know that sadness occurs and is okay! i also want them to know that i am human--that i love, hurt, laugh, enjoy, anger, etc. they need to see the real me and i do not ever want to hide that from them.
we had friends over this morning for a play date--the littlest one is less than a year and a cutie. he loves to be held and loves others so i got to spend lots of time loving on our little friend--amazing to me was the jealously that jack felt--he got so naughty, stressed and angry. he spent a lot time hanging out in his bedroom and would not come out. i felt bad but at the same time knew that this was not the "norm" for jack--something else had to have been going on. we, jack and i, set a date for that afternoon. he was fussy through lunch and would not eat much so we got on our way sooner than later.
our first stop was the library. we played and read and just had a marvelous time all around. from there we headed to DQ for a treat :) and with me secretly hoping jack-o would actually eat something for lunch! well i got so much more than i bargained for--jack-o did end up eating some lunch but as we slurped our slushies, jack drew an inquisitive look on his face and out of the blue asked how uncle tom died. as an adult, it has been hard for me to accept the fact that tom hit a tree and died. if i had trouble as an adult thinking about this, it would be so much harder for a kiddo. i was quiet for a minute as i thought through this in my head. i then decided to give him the truth--that uncle tom was driving his truck, something happened and he ran into a tree. jack asked a follow up question--i get that mom, but how did he actually die. i responded quietly that his truck smooshed him. from there we talked about LOTS of questions that jack asked---what happens when you die? what does it mean? if your body goes into the ground, what part of you goes to heaven? which truck was tom driving? what kind of tree did he hit? where was the tree at? have "you" seen the tree? did the tree get hurt? why did the tree get in the way? what is a soul? what happens to people who don't pray to God or know about Heaven? will mom/dad die? what about grandpa bill ("he's so old") (side note: grandpa bill is MY grandpa and my grandma passed away in June so this is really pretty heavy on jack's mind)? where is heaven? will "i" die? if you die mom, where would i live? if dad died, where would i live? if mom and dad died, where would i live?
i did my best to reassure jack and answer his questions honestly but at his level. i have encouraged him to continue to ask questions as he has them. i also told him that at grandma cathy's, there is a book that we could read together called "There is a Party in Heaven" so he could see/learn more about Heaven. He seemed to think that was a good idea. at the end of our very very very deep conversation, he looked at me, smiled and said I love you mom :) He also commented that he enjoyed our date and some days he just needs more mom time! :)
our date today was good for both of us--it helped me think through things for jack but it also helped me think through things for myself. i am amazed by the perceptiveness of jack and the depth to which he thinks about things. he is definitely our child.
my plan is to keep communication open with jack--as he asks questions i will give him answers the best i can. besides that and praying, not much else i can do :)
our life is different now. we are home less and traveling more--we head up to my parents' house because we want to be together. even though our time is wonderful, it is still different than what jack had been used to. i am also sad sometimes--more so than he has ever seen before. i have been really good about keeping most of my grief to myself until after bedtime, but of course there are times that i am sad when they are awake and i feel it is important for my boys to know that sadness occurs and is okay! i also want them to know that i am human--that i love, hurt, laugh, enjoy, anger, etc. they need to see the real me and i do not ever want to hide that from them.
we had friends over this morning for a play date--the littlest one is less than a year and a cutie. he loves to be held and loves others so i got to spend lots of time loving on our little friend--amazing to me was the jealously that jack felt--he got so naughty, stressed and angry. he spent a lot time hanging out in his bedroom and would not come out. i felt bad but at the same time knew that this was not the "norm" for jack--something else had to have been going on. we, jack and i, set a date for that afternoon. he was fussy through lunch and would not eat much so we got on our way sooner than later.
our first stop was the library. we played and read and just had a marvelous time all around. from there we headed to DQ for a treat :) and with me secretly hoping jack-o would actually eat something for lunch! well i got so much more than i bargained for--jack-o did end up eating some lunch but as we slurped our slushies, jack drew an inquisitive look on his face and out of the blue asked how uncle tom died. as an adult, it has been hard for me to accept the fact that tom hit a tree and died. if i had trouble as an adult thinking about this, it would be so much harder for a kiddo. i was quiet for a minute as i thought through this in my head. i then decided to give him the truth--that uncle tom was driving his truck, something happened and he ran into a tree. jack asked a follow up question--i get that mom, but how did he actually die. i responded quietly that his truck smooshed him. from there we talked about LOTS of questions that jack asked---what happens when you die? what does it mean? if your body goes into the ground, what part of you goes to heaven? which truck was tom driving? what kind of tree did he hit? where was the tree at? have "you" seen the tree? did the tree get hurt? why did the tree get in the way? what is a soul? what happens to people who don't pray to God or know about Heaven? will mom/dad die? what about grandpa bill ("he's so old") (side note: grandpa bill is MY grandpa and my grandma passed away in June so this is really pretty heavy on jack's mind)? where is heaven? will "i" die? if you die mom, where would i live? if dad died, where would i live? if mom and dad died, where would i live?
i did my best to reassure jack and answer his questions honestly but at his level. i have encouraged him to continue to ask questions as he has them. i also told him that at grandma cathy's, there is a book that we could read together called "There is a Party in Heaven" so he could see/learn more about Heaven. He seemed to think that was a good idea. at the end of our very very very deep conversation, he looked at me, smiled and said I love you mom :) He also commented that he enjoyed our date and some days he just needs more mom time! :)
our date today was good for both of us--it helped me think through things for jack but it also helped me think through things for myself. i am amazed by the perceptiveness of jack and the depth to which he thinks about things. he is definitely our child.
my plan is to keep communication open with jack--as he asks questions i will give him answers the best i can. besides that and praying, not much else i can do :)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Working on it
in the back of my mind is this constant need to blog of the day of Tom's farewell--his amazing funeral. i have decided that it will take quite a bit of energy from me (emotional and physical) and time because I have a lot to say and want to say it well. i am too tired today but hope that in the next few days i have the energy to blog it.
my days have been good and not so good this past week. in fact some days have had good moments and some not so good moments. there does not seem to be a rhyme or reason for my moments--just that when my moments are tough, i am better if i find a hug.
my days have been good and not so good this past week. in fact some days have had good moments and some not so good moments. there does not seem to be a rhyme or reason for my moments--just that when my moments are tough, i am better if i find a hug.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Normalacy
today i felt almost normal--i can think about tom without tears welling up behind my eyes, and i almost felt carefree. i certainly felt happy today and that is okay :)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Jack Grieves
sunday morning was quiet--josh left early to deer hunt and i had the bed to myself. the thought of heading out to church popped in but the boys were up and snuggly so i enjoyed my peaceful moments in bed with them. i am so glad i did. as we lay quietly, jack spoke up in a soft voice and shared that he was sad. when i questioned as to why he was sad, his little voice quivered and he replied that he missed grandma beep beep and uncle tom. (insert mommy's heart hurting here) we talked for a while about them, about that it is okay to be sad and okay to be happy, about heaven and about God. And then our morning went on. it was peaceful, beautiful and neccessary.
this evening, as i lay on the couch with jack sharing our busy days, he got that same look on his face that he had sunday morning. i asked if he was okay and he said no, he was sad. we talked for a bit again and then i asked him if he knew what i did when i got sad--he said no so i shared with him what i do :) i told him that i look at something that reminds me of the person that i miss--that i look at pictures, or things they made for me or even just write down things that remind me of them. i reminded him that he has really cool wooden trucks that uncle tom made for him and they are always downstairs waiting to be played with. i took jack down to see them and as he sat and looked, his little lip quivered again so i scooped him up and took him to the rocking chair. as we sat and rocked, i could feel his body relax. we talked about sadness and happiness and that both are healthy and normal emotions. after a bit, he was okay and went out to play with his truck. that beautiful wooden truck tom made his first nephew was sitting by jack's bed as he fell asleep tonight.
my jack is as sensative as i am. it is amazing to me that age the tender age of 4, jack gets death and gets life. he is grieving in his own way and that makes me sad yet happy at the same time. sad because he has to know the sadness of death already but happy because he is processing it and not bottling it up.
we will continue to share "uncle tom talk" in our house and help our boys remember the wonderful uncle who left us much sooner than we would have liked. he loved our boys so much!
this evening, as i lay on the couch with jack sharing our busy days, he got that same look on his face that he had sunday morning. i asked if he was okay and he said no, he was sad. we talked for a bit again and then i asked him if he knew what i did when i got sad--he said no so i shared with him what i do :) i told him that i look at something that reminds me of the person that i miss--that i look at pictures, or things they made for me or even just write down things that remind me of them. i reminded him that he has really cool wooden trucks that uncle tom made for him and they are always downstairs waiting to be played with. i took jack down to see them and as he sat and looked, his little lip quivered again so i scooped him up and took him to the rocking chair. as we sat and rocked, i could feel his body relax. we talked about sadness and happiness and that both are healthy and normal emotions. after a bit, he was okay and went out to play with his truck. that beautiful wooden truck tom made his first nephew was sitting by jack's bed as he fell asleep tonight.
my jack is as sensative as i am. it is amazing to me that age the tender age of 4, jack gets death and gets life. he is grieving in his own way and that makes me sad yet happy at the same time. sad because he has to know the sadness of death already but happy because he is processing it and not bottling it up.
we will continue to share "uncle tom talk" in our house and help our boys remember the wonderful uncle who left us much sooner than we would have liked. he loved our boys so much!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
On a Lighter Note
Life has been pretty heavy lately so here are tidbits to share with you that are a bit lighter! :)
You know we are (tired) parents of small boys because......
*we have a plastic dinosaur in OUR Master Bathtub and he has been there for a while.....
*you can find at least 4 "matchbox" cars in any room in our house
*there are cookie and cracker crumbs on every surface in the living room and kitchen multiple times a day
*we have at least 6 fire fighter plastic toy hats floating around our house
*josh has to do laundry at least every other day so we have clean sheets for Luke's bed :)
*the most common word we hear is MINE and it sounds like the seagull scene from Finding Nemo
*we cannot see the side of our fridge because of the numerous pieces of art work
*in work conversations, Josh quotes Disney Movies and people think he is odd
*People ask josh if he plays video games in his spare time and he asks, what spare time
*we have conversations about dead deer because one is lying dead in the ditch and our child still asks if the deer can hurt him (then when Josh said no, Luke asked if he could pet it)
*we go snake hunting in the evening because it is November and actually warm enough to be outside and the kids are wanting to
*our pumpkins look like abstract pieces of art because I let Jack take the knife (carefully of course) and carve
*there has been a kitchen wisk sitting on the edge of that same Master Bathtub for over a month because a child put it there and it never occurs to me to move it back to the kitchen!
*we have more light sabers in the house than people
*we've each gained three pounds in the past three weeks from eating our kiddo's halloween candy
thanks for laughing with us :)
You know we are (tired) parents of small boys because......
*we have a plastic dinosaur in OUR Master Bathtub and he has been there for a while.....
*you can find at least 4 "matchbox" cars in any room in our house
*there are cookie and cracker crumbs on every surface in the living room and kitchen multiple times a day
*we have at least 6 fire fighter plastic toy hats floating around our house
*josh has to do laundry at least every other day so we have clean sheets for Luke's bed :)
*the most common word we hear is MINE and it sounds like the seagull scene from Finding Nemo
*we cannot see the side of our fridge because of the numerous pieces of art work
*in work conversations, Josh quotes Disney Movies and people think he is odd
*People ask josh if he plays video games in his spare time and he asks, what spare time
*we have conversations about dead deer because one is lying dead in the ditch and our child still asks if the deer can hurt him (then when Josh said no, Luke asked if he could pet it)
*we go snake hunting in the evening because it is November and actually warm enough to be outside and the kids are wanting to
*our pumpkins look like abstract pieces of art because I let Jack take the knife (carefully of course) and carve
*there has been a kitchen wisk sitting on the edge of that same Master Bathtub for over a month because a child put it there and it never occurs to me to move it back to the kitchen!
*we have more light sabers in the house than people
*we've each gained three pounds in the past three weeks from eating our kiddo's halloween candy
thanks for laughing with us :)
Our Visitation
Saturday October 31st, just three days had passed since Tom's accident yet it felt like months. We had yet to see his body and even though we knew it was true, true that Tom had died in the accident, things still felt so unreal. Seeing Tom's body would certainly help us come to grasp the full concept that Tom, as we knew him, was gone.
As Mass ended and we hugged the ever growing line of friends, my cell phone vibrated. The funeral home was calling to tell us it was time, it was time to finally face the reality of seeing Tom. This had been something we had talked over for the days that had passed. We knew Tom's accident was bad. We knew that the majority of his injuries were from the chest up. We knew, specifically from conversations I had with the funeral director, that Tom sustained facial injuries. We also knew that the funeral director and his staff are amazing and were doing everything they could to help Tom look like Tom. In fact, we knew that they had put in hours upon hours to help him look less like a victim of an accident and instead like the man we remembered. We had discussed all the possibilities for his casket--would we have it open, closed, open for family, etc. The decision felt so heavy.
Lynda and John were downstate getting the things they needed for the upcoming week. Josh was at home caring for our children and getting them out for Trick or Treating (very important for any kiddo). It was up to Mom, Dad and I to see him first. This was a daunting task that made my stomach drop. There was another visitation taking place when we arrived so we were shown into a beautiful and private viewing room. Tom looked incredibly handsome as he lay there in his fireman dress uniform, with his "dress" hat sitting next to him. It definitely did not look like Tom at first sight but when you took the time to sit and look, to sit and talk to him, to sit and appreciate him, it was Tom. The director had done an amazing job--Tom did not look at all like an accident victim even though he was swollen--and he did resemble the man we loved. In fact, I think that anyone who has passed on looks a bit odd--and not so much like themselves, but when you sat down and looked up towards Tom's face, there was definitely the face of Tom.
We spent a good hour talking with Tom. During that time, I yelled at him--so angry that he left so much unfinished. Angry that he left a son without a dad, with nephews without an uncle, with parents without a son, left us (LJ and I) without a brother. As I yelled at him, I realized it was NOT HIS CHOICE--Tom did not choose to leave us anymore than we chose to have him leave us. Yelling at him was healing. Crying over his body was healing. Holding my parents' hands as we shared, was healing. Loving Tom for who he was, who is he and who he will be forever in Heaven was healing. I am so grateful for that hour with my parents. I know it hurt Lynda to not be there when we got to see him for the first time since his accident (but she did get some good private time the next day)--but I still am so blessed to have shared that with my parents. There was something so intimate about viewing him and getting that private time to say goodbye.
Tom looked so handsome that we went with an open casket. We felt it was only fair for his friends to get that same chance to say goodbye that we had. Tom looked handsome and we are forever grateful to our wonderful funeral home for taking the time to help Tom look so honorable and dignified.
Our private visitation was much needed.
As Mass ended and we hugged the ever growing line of friends, my cell phone vibrated. The funeral home was calling to tell us it was time, it was time to finally face the reality of seeing Tom. This had been something we had talked over for the days that had passed. We knew Tom's accident was bad. We knew that the majority of his injuries were from the chest up. We knew, specifically from conversations I had with the funeral director, that Tom sustained facial injuries. We also knew that the funeral director and his staff are amazing and were doing everything they could to help Tom look like Tom. In fact, we knew that they had put in hours upon hours to help him look less like a victim of an accident and instead like the man we remembered. We had discussed all the possibilities for his casket--would we have it open, closed, open for family, etc. The decision felt so heavy.
Lynda and John were downstate getting the things they needed for the upcoming week. Josh was at home caring for our children and getting them out for Trick or Treating (very important for any kiddo). It was up to Mom, Dad and I to see him first. This was a daunting task that made my stomach drop. There was another visitation taking place when we arrived so we were shown into a beautiful and private viewing room. Tom looked incredibly handsome as he lay there in his fireman dress uniform, with his "dress" hat sitting next to him. It definitely did not look like Tom at first sight but when you took the time to sit and look, to sit and talk to him, to sit and appreciate him, it was Tom. The director had done an amazing job--Tom did not look at all like an accident victim even though he was swollen--and he did resemble the man we loved. In fact, I think that anyone who has passed on looks a bit odd--and not so much like themselves, but when you sat down and looked up towards Tom's face, there was definitely the face of Tom.
We spent a good hour talking with Tom. During that time, I yelled at him--so angry that he left so much unfinished. Angry that he left a son without a dad, with nephews without an uncle, with parents without a son, left us (LJ and I) without a brother. As I yelled at him, I realized it was NOT HIS CHOICE--Tom did not choose to leave us anymore than we chose to have him leave us. Yelling at him was healing. Crying over his body was healing. Holding my parents' hands as we shared, was healing. Loving Tom for who he was, who is he and who he will be forever in Heaven was healing. I am so grateful for that hour with my parents. I know it hurt Lynda to not be there when we got to see him for the first time since his accident (but she did get some good private time the next day)--but I still am so blessed to have shared that with my parents. There was something so intimate about viewing him and getting that private time to say goodbye.
Tom looked so handsome that we went with an open casket. We felt it was only fair for his friends to get that same chance to say goodbye that we had. Tom looked handsome and we are forever grateful to our wonderful funeral home for taking the time to help Tom look so honorable and dignified.
Our private visitation was much needed.
Bittersweet
i am a fan of dark chocolate--bittersweet chocolate. i like that it is intense, full of flavor, a teeny bit sweet yet so sassy.
if i like it so well in a chocolate, why then, when life throws bitter sweet my way do i get upset?
today was a bitter sweet day. it was intense, full of life, a tiny bit sweet yet so sassy. we, ben (tom's son), jack, luke and i, played the morning away. it was so sweet, free and innocent. we ran errands together (the four of us again), visited great grandpa, and picked up yummy bad for us fast food for lunch. we were so carefree..... after our short rest, we went ice skating. it was fun but ben did not enjoy it as much as he had in the past and even seemed sad. being that ben is autistic, we do not usually see a lot of emotion from him, other than frustration and happy. in hindsight, things are so much more clear--ice skating was the thing that he and his daddy did together that they both enjoyed so much. ben loves his daddy so much. we looked a few pictures today and ben kissed the frame--it is apparent to me that even with all of his difficulties, ben gets it. he gets the reality. i think ben knows tom is not coming back and for any kid that would be devestating but for ben we don't really know what he thinks about it.
this is where the bitter sweet part comes in for me. ben knows his daddy is gone but does he hurt? in his own way he hurts but it is perhaps a blessing that ben does not process death as other children might. life was also bitter sweet today as i enjoyed our day so much yet my heart hurts because tom was not there to enjoy it. my heart hurts at the thought of ben skating with us but wanting his daddy so much.
as i left my parent's house tonight, i was conflicted. did i just have a wonderful day? i know i did but still my heart hurt. the boys were asleep within 5 minutes of leaving my parent's house so josh and i got over an hour to process, talk and share. it was wonderful and it was a nice way to end my bitter sweet day--back on a sweet note.
if i like it so well in a chocolate, why then, when life throws bitter sweet my way do i get upset?
today was a bitter sweet day. it was intense, full of life, a tiny bit sweet yet so sassy. we, ben (tom's son), jack, luke and i, played the morning away. it was so sweet, free and innocent. we ran errands together (the four of us again), visited great grandpa, and picked up yummy bad for us fast food for lunch. we were so carefree..... after our short rest, we went ice skating. it was fun but ben did not enjoy it as much as he had in the past and even seemed sad. being that ben is autistic, we do not usually see a lot of emotion from him, other than frustration and happy. in hindsight, things are so much more clear--ice skating was the thing that he and his daddy did together that they both enjoyed so much. ben loves his daddy so much. we looked a few pictures today and ben kissed the frame--it is apparent to me that even with all of his difficulties, ben gets it. he gets the reality. i think ben knows tom is not coming back and for any kid that would be devestating but for ben we don't really know what he thinks about it.
this is where the bitter sweet part comes in for me. ben knows his daddy is gone but does he hurt? in his own way he hurts but it is perhaps a blessing that ben does not process death as other children might. life was also bitter sweet today as i enjoyed our day so much yet my heart hurts because tom was not there to enjoy it. my heart hurts at the thought of ben skating with us but wanting his daddy so much.
as i left my parent's house tonight, i was conflicted. did i just have a wonderful day? i know i did but still my heart hurt. the boys were asleep within 5 minutes of leaving my parent's house so josh and i got over an hour to process, talk and share. it was wonderful and it was a nice way to end my bitter sweet day--back on a sweet note.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The What Ifs
when night is here and all is quiet, the what ifs creap into my thoughts. i try to keep them at bay but night after night they are back. what if that tree was smaller? what if tom had stayed longer at his friend's house? what if his truck had been going faster or slower? what if he had been driving his car instead of his truck? what if i had called him that day? what if ben had been with him? what if he had stayed home that night? what it.....what if....what if..... i tell myself night after night that the what ifs don't matter but my heart still aches for the what ifs.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
All Saints Day
The Holy Day of Obligation for the Catholic Church, All Saints Day, fell on Halloween this year, which was Saturday--and the usual day of the week my parents attend Mass. I joined them this past week. Since it fell on a Saturday, it could be counted for your Holy Day and for your regular weekly church :) (normally you should go to regular church that week AND the Holy Day Mass).... okay enough education about why I was at this particular mass! :)
All Saints Day is a mass that celebrate those who have gone on before us--it is a mass to celebrate the dead. I did not know it was this particular mass until church started..... and that is when my tears started. Listening to the scripture reminded me so much of sitting and picking out Tom's funeral scripture just two days before. Not only that but the particular readings were very much aimed at remembering those who have died and about rising from the dead. The hymns sung were some of the same ones I picked to have sung at Tom's funeral. My heart was so full of sorrow and happiness at the same time--such an odd thing for me to feel. My heart was aching for my own personal loss and those around me who will not have Tom any more in their lives--like my nephew Ben who no longer has a dad around, my parents whose son is gone from their daily/weekly lives, etc.--but then my heart was also happy at the thought of Tom going on to Heaven and getting to see God's glory.
As church went on, our priest discussed the concept of Saints. His homily's message was that all who have gone before us and are in Heaven are Saints--that gave me a pretty good chuckle :) I have never thought of Tom as a Saint before but then again there is a first time for everything! :)
When church ended on Saturday, I found my cheeks stained with tears but my heart a bit lighter. It was like I was supposed to be at that mass to help my heart heal. It was a good Mass for me to be at and really brought me quite a bit of peace. It gave me a lot to think about. I have come to the conclusion that we truly do not know why things happen and we are not supposed to know. A wise friend told me recently that we are looking at the underside of God's great tapestry and Tom is now on the other side and gets to see all of the beauty and God's glory. Only Tom knows truly what happened and why it was his time. My heart is more peaceful when I think of that. My heart is also more peaceful knowing that Tom loved to serve others and love to give of himself--this is very evident as you think about all the firemen and firewomen who prayed around him at the accident scene when they realized he was dead. Tom's calling may have been to help others see the love of God through his own love and service. I am still sad and tear up but my heart is much more peaceful than it was even a few days ago.
I love you Tom. I think of you often and smile.
Thanks for listening to my rambles :)
All Saints Day is a mass that celebrate those who have gone on before us--it is a mass to celebrate the dead. I did not know it was this particular mass until church started..... and that is when my tears started. Listening to the scripture reminded me so much of sitting and picking out Tom's funeral scripture just two days before. Not only that but the particular readings were very much aimed at remembering those who have died and about rising from the dead. The hymns sung were some of the same ones I picked to have sung at Tom's funeral. My heart was so full of sorrow and happiness at the same time--such an odd thing for me to feel. My heart was aching for my own personal loss and those around me who will not have Tom any more in their lives--like my nephew Ben who no longer has a dad around, my parents whose son is gone from their daily/weekly lives, etc.--but then my heart was also happy at the thought of Tom going on to Heaven and getting to see God's glory.
As church went on, our priest discussed the concept of Saints. His homily's message was that all who have gone before us and are in Heaven are Saints--that gave me a pretty good chuckle :) I have never thought of Tom as a Saint before but then again there is a first time for everything! :)
When church ended on Saturday, I found my cheeks stained with tears but my heart a bit lighter. It was like I was supposed to be at that mass to help my heart heal. It was a good Mass for me to be at and really brought me quite a bit of peace. It gave me a lot to think about. I have come to the conclusion that we truly do not know why things happen and we are not supposed to know. A wise friend told me recently that we are looking at the underside of God's great tapestry and Tom is now on the other side and gets to see all of the beauty and God's glory. Only Tom knows truly what happened and why it was his time. My heart is more peaceful when I think of that. My heart is also more peaceful knowing that Tom loved to serve others and love to give of himself--this is very evident as you think about all the firemen and firewomen who prayed around him at the accident scene when they realized he was dead. Tom's calling may have been to help others see the love of God through his own love and service. I am still sad and tear up but my heart is much more peaceful than it was even a few days ago.
I love you Tom. I think of you often and smile.
Thanks for listening to my rambles :)
Support from Many!
it is truly amazing how many people have given my entire family (including my parents, sister, brother in law, husband, kids, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) support over the past week and a half. some of these people who have supported us were close friends of tom, others are close friends to us, and for sure everyone that has given support love my family.
planning tom's visitation and funeral seemed unreal. we truly had no clue how many people would show up, how much time would be needed, how many people would be at the luncheon etc. i am amazed by the number of people who came to support us, share stories, give hugs, and grieve with us. it was truly a blessing to have people stop by the house and share their love with us! mom and dad still have people stopping by to visit and that makes my heart swell with love. that giving spirit that tom had is living on in other people.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Pictures Say a Thousand Words
A proud Uncle Tom loving on Baby Luke
Proud Uncle Tom with Luke
Proud Uncle Tom with Luke
Being goofy Uncle Tom with Jack
Playing "Twirl" with Ben (his son) and Jack
Playing "Twirl" with Ben (his son) and Jack
Looking PRETTY for Lynda's wedding :)
Uncle Tom showing the boys how to drive a fire truck.
My favorite picture of Uncle Tom and the boys
My favorite picture of Uncle Tom and the boys
sorry you have to look sideways for this one :)
My dad, Tom and his son on their way to the annual Father's Day Breakfast
Thursday, November 5, 2009
waterworks
i felt stronger today than i have in a week. today was my 2nd day back to work and it was okay...in fact it was better than okay. yesterday was okay but today i was busy, and had tons of work to catch up on....but more importantly, i was able to smile today and enjoy my students. i was doing pretty well. i even did okay when i got home--my boys were full of energy and sass as we played with their trains and just hung out. the waterworks started this evening when i looked at tom's facebook page.
i can't help it; i am drawn to it and want to see who has posted, what they have to say, etc. in my brain i know he is gone but when there is still a fb page, he must still be around, right? i looked through all of his pictures and got stuck when i found a picture of tom and ben at the sleeping bear dunes on a visit with ben's school...... it was such an innocent picture that expressed all the love tom had for ben. it hurts my heart to know that ben no longer has his dad to do all of the things that he did with him--things that made their relationship so special--tom loved to take ben ice skating, roller skating, and on adventures. he loved to teach ben new things--like to play hockey, and how to build things out of wood. tom made a point to get ben out in the world and trying new things.
i know waterworks are okay. josh sat and held me. his loving touch was comforting and his words were so helpful--he just kept reminding me that tears are okay and healing. that my memories will help keep tom alive.
thanks for listening to this rather rambly-scattered post :)
i can't help it; i am drawn to it and want to see who has posted, what they have to say, etc. in my brain i know he is gone but when there is still a fb page, he must still be around, right? i looked through all of his pictures and got stuck when i found a picture of tom and ben at the sleeping bear dunes on a visit with ben's school...... it was such an innocent picture that expressed all the love tom had for ben. it hurts my heart to know that ben no longer has his dad to do all of the things that he did with him--things that made their relationship so special--tom loved to take ben ice skating, roller skating, and on adventures. he loved to teach ben new things--like to play hockey, and how to build things out of wood. tom made a point to get ben out in the world and trying new things.
i know waterworks are okay. josh sat and held me. his loving touch was comforting and his words were so helpful--he just kept reminding me that tears are okay and healing. that my memories will help keep tom alive.
thanks for listening to this rather rambly-scattered post :)
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
trees
since the accident, i find myself preoccupied with trees. i notice them.... you are probably thinking, why teresa, yes there are trees everywhere didn't you see them before. i saw them before but now i really SEE them..... i think about how hard they are, i think about how old they are, i think about who planted them and why they are located in that exact spot. i think about how big they are and if they would do much damage if a huge truck hit them. i wonder if tom hit a smaller tree, would he have died? i wonder why he hit that specific tree when there were so many others there that were so much smaller.
all the way to work today and all the way home i kept an eye on the trees.
all the way to work today and all the way home i kept an eye on the trees.
9:00
the reality just hit me. it is wednesday night at 9:00. a week ago, josh sat watching myth busters and the phone rang. that call came. that awful call that brought heart wrenching news. the reality just hit me.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Where to start?
do i start with memories of my brother when we were kids? or teenagers? or do i start with the phone call i got last wednesday and how it forever changed the course of my life? do i ramble on about my current worries? do i blubber about how wonderful my family has been and how amazing tom's funeral was? uugghhhh it seems like the smallest things stress my brain these days and i definitely need to find a way to "clarify" my thoughts so i feel less "fuzzy"....... i know i know, you are thinking, teresa, only time, and prayer will help clarify your fuzzy brain. but in addition to prayer and time, i hope writing will help as well.
to begin with, you need to know a few things about tom. tom is/was 33 years old. he was a fire fighter through and through. his fire fighting career began at the young age of 18 when he went to his first fire instead of his senior prom. tom was a self taught fire man who took and passed his state fire test without ever taking a formal class. he has done so many types of fire fighting that i cannot even begin to name them all...... township volunteer fire fighting, city on-call paid fire fighter, emt basic, heleteck, rescue "stuff", national park service, forest service fire fighting, etc etc etc. tom also went out of his way to take any and all training he could find. he always wanted to be the best he could be. his latest employment was at the local community college where he was teaching other ladies and men to be fire fighters, as well as teaching them to drive fire trucks and ambulances. tom was a fire fighter and a giver of his talents to others in emergency situations through and through.
i was exhausted on wednesday night. i was still recovering from our family week of the flu and was just feeling back on track at work. it was just after 9 and i had just laid my head down on my pillow when the phone rang. josh answered and immediately i sat up--just the way he responded to the caller alerted me. with the phone still in his hand, my loving husband told me that my mom was on the phone and she was pretty sure my brother was dead. inside, i immediately panicked....my heart raced, my brain went fuzzy, my lungs hurt and screamed for oxygen i was not getting. i grabbed the phone and asked mom what was going on. being that my dad is a volunteer fire fighter, my dad was at the accident scene, code 5 had been called across the scanner (which means death or extremely critical) and my dad had called mom to share that their first born child was the victim of the accident. josh and i were in the car within minutes of the call (in laws came to stay with our boys) and we headed up.
let me divert now and tell you what i have learned about the events of that night....much of this has been pieced together from the first firefighters on the scene, the funeral director (who also went to the scene), my dad, the priest who came to give tom his last rights at the scene of the accident, the state police and others who have shared with my family. tom visited a friend of his earlier in the evening. he stopped by to chat about some electrical questions he had and borrow some tools. from there, we are not sure where he went. Just before 9 (perhaps closer to 8:45), about a mile from his home, tom's 3/4 ton truck crossed the center line, went quite a ways through a ditch and hit a tree. one of the first responders was a good friend of tom's, a "young" man in which tom had recently taught in fire fighter two at the local college. this young man, whom i will call T, was distraught at the sight of tom's truck. as the other first responder went down to check on tom, T saw my dad arriving and rushed over to prevent him from going any closer. it was T who let my dad know that tom was the driver and victim of the accident. it was T who stood with my dad during those agonizing moments that it was unclear if this was an accident scene where the victim would be rushed away in the ambulance or if it was a crime scene where the body would be whisked away in the hearse. my dad knew it before anyone even came to tell him--his first born child, his son, his pride and joy, Thomas William had passed away. the emergency vehicles pulled back and this indicated to him that it was no longer an emergency where the victim would get to leave in an ambulance. the fire fighters got my dad safely home to be with his wife. after dad left the scene, the priest showed up in sandles and went down in the ditch to give tom his last rights while trapped in his vehicle. the funeral director assisted our priest and after walking him back to his car, the director turned around to see an awesome site that brought him to tears. the fire fighters and emergency workers at the scene, 20 to 30 of them, circled around my brother, turned off the generators, removed their helmets and prayed for him.
as the fire men and women, with other emergency workers, worked to care for tom and clean up the scene, josh and i arrived at my parent's house. amazingly, friends were there caring for my mom and dad. amazingly by midnight that night, city fire had already donated and brought bags and bags of groceries for our family. more importantly, these lovely caring, and giving men and women brought their compassion and love for my family. we grieved as a family of four that night and with the love of my husband and my sister's husband, we somehow made it to morning without broken hearts.
that is all i can blog for tonight. my body is tired but my brain is feeling a bit less fuzzy. i will leave you with one last thought..... i have made some peace with tom.s untimely death. i will blog more in the next few days to help explain why i feel that way.
dear loving and gracious God,
i pray for peace tonight. i pray that my family has a restful night that helps us through the tasks that we endure during the day. i pray that, with your guidance, we can make decisions that are hard yet must be made. i pray that give us the strength to endure the tasks that are set before us and pray that we can handle those tasks adequately. i pray, that even though we do not understand your plan, that your will be done. with a weeping yet loving heart, teresa
to begin with, you need to know a few things about tom. tom is/was 33 years old. he was a fire fighter through and through. his fire fighting career began at the young age of 18 when he went to his first fire instead of his senior prom. tom was a self taught fire man who took and passed his state fire test without ever taking a formal class. he has done so many types of fire fighting that i cannot even begin to name them all...... township volunteer fire fighting, city on-call paid fire fighter, emt basic, heleteck, rescue "stuff", national park service, forest service fire fighting, etc etc etc. tom also went out of his way to take any and all training he could find. he always wanted to be the best he could be. his latest employment was at the local community college where he was teaching other ladies and men to be fire fighters, as well as teaching them to drive fire trucks and ambulances. tom was a fire fighter and a giver of his talents to others in emergency situations through and through.
i was exhausted on wednesday night. i was still recovering from our family week of the flu and was just feeling back on track at work. it was just after 9 and i had just laid my head down on my pillow when the phone rang. josh answered and immediately i sat up--just the way he responded to the caller alerted me. with the phone still in his hand, my loving husband told me that my mom was on the phone and she was pretty sure my brother was dead. inside, i immediately panicked....my heart raced, my brain went fuzzy, my lungs hurt and screamed for oxygen i was not getting. i grabbed the phone and asked mom what was going on. being that my dad is a volunteer fire fighter, my dad was at the accident scene, code 5 had been called across the scanner (which means death or extremely critical) and my dad had called mom to share that their first born child was the victim of the accident. josh and i were in the car within minutes of the call (in laws came to stay with our boys) and we headed up.
let me divert now and tell you what i have learned about the events of that night....much of this has been pieced together from the first firefighters on the scene, the funeral director (who also went to the scene), my dad, the priest who came to give tom his last rights at the scene of the accident, the state police and others who have shared with my family. tom visited a friend of his earlier in the evening. he stopped by to chat about some electrical questions he had and borrow some tools. from there, we are not sure where he went. Just before 9 (perhaps closer to 8:45), about a mile from his home, tom's 3/4 ton truck crossed the center line, went quite a ways through a ditch and hit a tree. one of the first responders was a good friend of tom's, a "young" man in which tom had recently taught in fire fighter two at the local college. this young man, whom i will call T, was distraught at the sight of tom's truck. as the other first responder went down to check on tom, T saw my dad arriving and rushed over to prevent him from going any closer. it was T who let my dad know that tom was the driver and victim of the accident. it was T who stood with my dad during those agonizing moments that it was unclear if this was an accident scene where the victim would be rushed away in the ambulance or if it was a crime scene where the body would be whisked away in the hearse. my dad knew it before anyone even came to tell him--his first born child, his son, his pride and joy, Thomas William had passed away. the emergency vehicles pulled back and this indicated to him that it was no longer an emergency where the victim would get to leave in an ambulance. the fire fighters got my dad safely home to be with his wife. after dad left the scene, the priest showed up in sandles and went down in the ditch to give tom his last rights while trapped in his vehicle. the funeral director assisted our priest and after walking him back to his car, the director turned around to see an awesome site that brought him to tears. the fire fighters and emergency workers at the scene, 20 to 30 of them, circled around my brother, turned off the generators, removed their helmets and prayed for him.
as the fire men and women, with other emergency workers, worked to care for tom and clean up the scene, josh and i arrived at my parent's house. amazingly, friends were there caring for my mom and dad. amazingly by midnight that night, city fire had already donated and brought bags and bags of groceries for our family. more importantly, these lovely caring, and giving men and women brought their compassion and love for my family. we grieved as a family of four that night and with the love of my husband and my sister's husband, we somehow made it to morning without broken hearts.
that is all i can blog for tonight. my body is tired but my brain is feeling a bit less fuzzy. i will leave you with one last thought..... i have made some peace with tom.s untimely death. i will blog more in the next few days to help explain why i feel that way.
dear loving and gracious God,
i pray for peace tonight. i pray that my family has a restful night that helps us through the tasks that we endure during the day. i pray that, with your guidance, we can make decisions that are hard yet must be made. i pray that give us the strength to endure the tasks that are set before us and pray that we can handle those tasks adequately. i pray, that even though we do not understand your plan, that your will be done. with a weeping yet loving heart, teresa
a horrible phone call...... that is an understatement
last wednesday night, as most of you know, i got a phone call from my mom that no one ever wants to get--my brother had hit a tree and passed away on impact. even as i type that, tears well up in my eyes and it is hard for me to grasp and accept. in the next few days i plan to post blogs that help me grieve. if you have enough sadness in your life, i will understand if you take a break from reading my blog. i hope, by blogging, that my grieving will progress and i will find healing.
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