today is Christmas Eve and my boys are so excited. our house smells of freshly baked homemade sugar cookies, chex mix and cinnamon ornaments. the boys have wrapped presents for each other and we have wrapped, wrapped and wrapped some more. we (josh and i) really cut back on presents this year, yes to make the holidays more fiscally responsible, but also because everything that we NEED, we have. we have a roof over our heads, a bed to sleep in, nourishing food to eat, a few toys to play with, and family to cherish and love. with all of the loss our family has had in the past 6 months, it really hits home that things are replaceable, people are not. things are just that things-- the love you give and get from other people is so much more important.
today is Christmas Eve and my emotions are definitely conflicted. i am so excited to be with our boys as they are excited. i love the electricity in the air. i love the smiles on faces from thoughtfulness. i am also sad. my heart has two holes in it--my grandma and tom. the thought of celebrating the birth of Jesus hurts. but then as i take the time to reflect, Jesus, the son of Mary, also lived a short life. he too was taken much too early from his earthly family. again, it reminds me that our time on Earth is borrowed. it is not our choice for when we get here or when we leave. even as i think about all of this, my heart still aches. there is just not much time since i lost these two wonderful parts of my family.
today is Christmas Eve and i am looking forward to spending time with my sister and her husband. this is a new tradition we started last year when we were back in MI for the first time. being that my mom is a nurse, she does not usually get Christmas off so we celebrate Christmas on another day. today we, lynda and i, will share our love, memories and sorrow together.
today is Christmas Eve and i am grateful for my loving husband who supports me in every way possible. i am so grateful and blessed for his unconditional love. i am amazed by the two little men we are raising and appreciate viewing this magical time of year through their eyes. i am blessed to have such caring and thoughtful friends. i appreciate the cards, emails and texts that i get. please know that they touch my heart so much and i have so many thoughts i want to send back but it hurts right now to do so. i will write back when i am at a "gentle" part of my roller coaster ride.
today is Christmas Eve and I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas. May you let those you love know just how much they mean to you. May you take this time to thank God for bringing us a baby in that little stable.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Christmas Treasure Hunt
I am so excited that Santa has planned a Christmas Treasure Hunt :) He emailed me the stuff to cut out so it is ready for him when he gets here on Thursday. I am so excited that I had to share!
I think you two are very good little boys and work hard at helping your mom and dad. Your first clue can be found in something you help load and unload.
Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas Jack and Luke. I have brought you a special present but to find it, you will get to go on a treasure hunt! Read the clue and figure out the next spot a clue is hidden. The clues will lead you to your surprise! Hope you enjoy it :)
Love, Santa
You left me yummy cookies last night and something cold and white to drink. Go to where this cold white drink is normally kept.
I love to play farm! I saw you had a BIG farm animal so I left your next clue on it.
Now you will find your present at the next spot! Think of the place where you have to be a little bit quiet and can “hack” there.
Surprise! Jack and Luke--your present is this little table! Keep it in your dad's office so you can work with him and “hack” on your computers while you keep him company! Ho Ho Ho Enjoy your Christmas! :)
wrapping presents
it hit today that tom is not going to be with us at our family Christmas (yes I know he will be there in spirit....but not in the way that gets under my nerves every single year). i spent a few hours wrapping presents and there were none for tom. with his absence, i have seemed to go overboard for ben. it hurts my heart today that this Christmas will certainly be different. as a family, we have decided that we are not getting together until closer to New Year's. even then, it will still be hard and i probably need to do a lot of mental preparing for the days coming up.
frozen peas
An Ode to Frozen Peas
For any boo boo I get
Right in my mouth not
On my head I bonked or arm that is bruised
Zero calories or so I am told
Eat enough of these and
No more boo boo pain!
Peas are great to
Eat
At
Supper too
Luke is obsessed with frozen peas :) He enjoys them morning, noon or night--yes I said morning! Straight from the freezer, and into a small bowl, the child is a HAPPY camper. Our frozen pea obsession started when he got a bonk on his head a while back and I asked Josh to get a bag of frozen peas out to put on top of Luke's head. I put them there for a few minutes and as they sat there, Luke cried harder and became slightly hysterical. It took me a little bit but I figured it out--He did not want the frozen peas on his head, he thought he got to eat them! :) Now any time he gets a "boo booo" I offer frozen peas..... in a bowl :) Does the trick every time--cures any pain a boo boo caused and Luke ceases crying :)
What works in your house to fix boo boo pain? (for your big peoples or small peoples)
For any boo boo I get
Right in my mouth not
On my head I bonked or arm that is bruised
Zero calories or so I am told
Eat enough of these and
No more boo boo pain!
Peas are great to
Eat
At
Supper too
Luke is obsessed with frozen peas :) He enjoys them morning, noon or night--yes I said morning! Straight from the freezer, and into a small bowl, the child is a HAPPY camper. Our frozen pea obsession started when he got a bonk on his head a while back and I asked Josh to get a bag of frozen peas out to put on top of Luke's head. I put them there for a few minutes and as they sat there, Luke cried harder and became slightly hysterical. It took me a little bit but I figured it out--He did not want the frozen peas on his head, he thought he got to eat them! :) Now any time he gets a "boo booo" I offer frozen peas..... in a bowl :) Does the trick every time--cures any pain a boo boo caused and Luke ceases crying :)
What works in your house to fix boo boo pain? (for your big peoples or small peoples)
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Camping :)
Our campsite! in two weeks, we had a snow day on a friday. i worked the following monday, tuesday....then we had snow days wednesday, thursday, friday! this gave us MANY days in which we needed to occupy ourselves...... we are a creative family and therefore days at home for snow days are not your average boring stuck at home type days--they are full of excitement and fun! to pass the time during one of our snow days, we camped in the basement. we made "tents" out of blankets, chairs, our bus tent and the card table. we even used a tipped over laundry hamper as a light saber storage area. the boys also built a campfire and roasted me lunch. we feasted on roasted deer sticks, raccoon chunks and s'mores. it was a very tasty lunch. i also had a present wrapping area at the campsite where i was in charge of wrapping presents for our family members. :) (allowed me to multi-task) our four, unexpected mom days were wonderful :)
Jack thought his tent was awesome!
Luke's goal is to be just like Jack-O. He also loved his tent :)
Roasting Deer Sticks and Raccoon for mom!
On a Lighter Note PART 2
Part 1
You know we are (tired) parents of small boys because......
*we STILL have a plastic dinosaur in OUR Master Bathtub and he has been there for a while.....refer back to PART 1 :)
*we read the book Walter The Farting Dog at least twice a week
*you enter into ANY room in our house (utility room and bathrooms included) and step on a stray lego
*we play superheroes at least four times a day
*instead of mom, I am often referred to as catwoman
*there is STILL a kitchen wisk sitting on the edge of that same Master Bathtub because a child put it there and it never occurs to me to move it back to the kitchen!
*I have impressed our children by making armpit fart noises and they laughed forEVER :)
*I am told that fruit snacks do count as fruit for dinner
*everything becomes a truck or can make truck noises (apple slices, a box, a present, a tree ornament)
*Darth Vader and Darth Maul are common characters we talk about
*the chairs in the kitchen are often used to make trains
*break dancing is a common hobby in our house
You know we are (tired) parents of small boys because......
*we STILL have a plastic dinosaur in OUR Master Bathtub and he has been there for a while.....refer back to PART 1 :)
*we read the book Walter The Farting Dog at least twice a week
*you enter into ANY room in our house (utility room and bathrooms included) and step on a stray lego
*we play superheroes at least four times a day
*instead of mom, I am often referred to as catwoman
*there is STILL a kitchen wisk sitting on the edge of that same Master Bathtub because a child put it there and it never occurs to me to move it back to the kitchen!
*I have impressed our children by making armpit fart noises and they laughed forEVER :)
*I am told that fruit snacks do count as fruit for dinner
*everything becomes a truck or can make truck noises (apple slices, a box, a present, a tree ornament)
*Darth Vader and Darth Maul are common characters we talk about
*the chairs in the kitchen are often used to make trains
*break dancing is a common hobby in our house
follow up to blogging
josh and i had a discussion about square pegs in round holes. he said my thoughts, even when jumbled and flittering, should not be thought of as square pegs. instead, they should be looked at as scraps of cloth that are to be woven into one functional, yet beautiful quilt.
blogging
lately i have had trouble with blogging--i still love to do it but i feel like everything that comes out is "choppy"..... let me explain what i mean by that. some days my words flow and fit together like a beautifully made garment (at least in my head they do) and others they feel like a square peg trying to squeeze its way into a round hole.
my blogs this past week are square pegs. my thoughts and emotions are also square pegs. i have so many fleeting and flittering thoughts throughout the day that are important, significant and often sad but at night, when i get time to process and piece them together, they are either jumbled or my brain it too tired to make them into coherent posts. this bothers me because on the days that i am able to process and write, the days that my writing comes out as a round peg, i feel better. i am healing. writing my blog is healing.
my blog has become a very serious place. it used to be filled with only happy news of my family, trivial yet often humerous activities that occur around our household, etc. between my anxiety, my grandma's death and tom's death, the majority of my posts are very serious and often sad. i hope to eventually get back to a place where my every day life is a bit lighter and therefore my blog too is a bit lighter.even when life is "lighter", i am still a fairly serious and complicated person and i find that by getting these thoughts out, i am a happier person--it is very freeing. by getting these tough things out in the open, i feel much more real and true to myself. i appreciate those who continue to read and help me through this very tough time in my life. i also appreciate those who are true to themselves :) i love how freeing it is for me and hope it is freeing for you as well.
my blogs this past week are square pegs. my thoughts and emotions are also square pegs. i have so many fleeting and flittering thoughts throughout the day that are important, significant and often sad but at night, when i get time to process and piece them together, they are either jumbled or my brain it too tired to make them into coherent posts. this bothers me because on the days that i am able to process and write, the days that my writing comes out as a round peg, i feel better. i am healing. writing my blog is healing.
my blog has become a very serious place. it used to be filled with only happy news of my family, trivial yet often humerous activities that occur around our household, etc. between my anxiety, my grandma's death and tom's death, the majority of my posts are very serious and often sad. i hope to eventually get back to a place where my every day life is a bit lighter and therefore my blog too is a bit lighter.even when life is "lighter", i am still a fairly serious and complicated person and i find that by getting these thoughts out, i am a happier person--it is very freeing. by getting these tough things out in the open, i feel much more real and true to myself. i appreciate those who continue to read and help me through this very tough time in my life. i also appreciate those who are true to themselves :) i love how freeing it is for me and hope it is freeing for you as well.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Emotions of my Mini-Me Peoples
i have two little mini-me peoples in my life.... jack and luke.... they are so like me in many ways....
tonight on the way home from dinner and dessert with josh's parents, this became apparent when jack said he was sad (this happens a lot lately) and i talked to him about the statement. he said he was sad because uncle tom died and his heart stopped. i asked jack if he was sad because mom was sad tonight...and he slowly responded yes. jack is perceptive and really picks up on what i do and how i feel. i think it is okay that he gets that i am sad. i also think it is okay he expresses that he is sad (even if he really is just worried that mom is sad)--it has jump started so many wonderful conversations. as jack and i talked, luke blurted out "I'm nervous". now i just had to chuckle at that...one: does he even know what nervous means? probably not! two: it means that i have probably been talking about nervousness or asking if he is nervous WAY too much lately.... that is a by product of my anxiety and something that i think i need to start working on again (not asking if he is nervous). josh said he thought luke was perceptive...i just think he likes to say the same words as mom :)
i love that my boys love me so much that they want to be like me. i just hope that they minic my good qualities and not so much the bad :)
tonight on the way home from dinner and dessert with josh's parents, this became apparent when jack said he was sad (this happens a lot lately) and i talked to him about the statement. he said he was sad because uncle tom died and his heart stopped. i asked jack if he was sad because mom was sad tonight...and he slowly responded yes. jack is perceptive and really picks up on what i do and how i feel. i think it is okay that he gets that i am sad. i also think it is okay he expresses that he is sad (even if he really is just worried that mom is sad)--it has jump started so many wonderful conversations. as jack and i talked, luke blurted out "I'm nervous". now i just had to chuckle at that...one: does he even know what nervous means? probably not! two: it means that i have probably been talking about nervousness or asking if he is nervous WAY too much lately.... that is a by product of my anxiety and something that i think i need to start working on again (not asking if he is nervous). josh said he thought luke was perceptive...i just think he likes to say the same words as mom :)
i love that my boys love me so much that they want to be like me. i just hope that they minic my good qualities and not so much the bad :)
Ben's Christmas Program
my first thought tonight was that it was ben's first Christmas program that tom was not at. that thought broke my heart. as i lay on my bed and cried, josh came in to check on me. he reminded me that tom was at the program--:) that tom did not miss it and he was most certainly present. that was a nice reminder.
my parents and sarah (tom's good friend) were able to attend tonight, as did ben's mom (tom's ex-wife). i am so happy that mom and dad are working so hard to make sure they are seeing ben as often as they did when tom was alive. they are able to see him on the weekends, as they did before, and are still getting quality time with ben. i think it is important for ben, but it is just as important for them.
my parents and sarah (tom's good friend) were able to attend tonight, as did ben's mom (tom's ex-wife). i am so happy that mom and dad are working so hard to make sure they are seeing ben as often as they did when tom was alive. they are able to see him on the weekends, as they did before, and are still getting quality time with ben. i think it is important for ben, but it is just as important for them.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sleeping Update.... ugghhh
ugghhh we are frustrated! i know before i said that rocking was helping.... well tonight was a new night and rocking did not help! i put luke down at 7:20 (got up at 4 am today)....we rocked for a bit, he cried and i laid him down. all was quiet...for about 15 minutes. then i look up from my bed (where i was blogging about rocking) to find luke looking into josh's office across the hall. josh took him back down..... all is quiet for about 10 minutes. i heard a noise, sure it was luke but when i looked out he was not there so i head out to the kitchen to look for a pair of shoes (under the bench by the garage door). as searched intently, my heart skipped a beat because luke popped out next to me from the laundry room. again, i take luke back downstairs and get him in bed. this time, i talk to him a minute or two extra and get him tucked in. all is quiet....for 5 minutes... luke shows back up in the living room and is WIDE awake. i took him back down, rubbed his forehead, turned back on his music and left the room.... at 9:15! holy cow it has been a long time since we have had trouble getting one of them down to bed..... makes for a long evening!
here's to hoping to a full night's sleep--:)
here's to hoping to a full night's sleep--:)
Rocking
luke has been extra clingy lately and not doing well with sleep. he does not want to fall asleep and does not stay asleep--needless to say we are tired! we have not rocked luke to sleep since he was a baby and really have not rocked him before bed (just a few minutes worth of rocking but not putting him to sleep) in many (many many) months (maybe even a year....) and usually both boys do very well falling asleep. i want him (and jack-0) to put himself to sleep and be able to fall back asleep when mom is not around.
i have a squishy heart right now and i am taking extra time to snuggle luke before bed. i am not a happy lady that he is refusing to go to bed and that i have to rock him but while i rock him, i am enjoying these last little "tid bits of baby" before they are all gone. i have a theory to why i am more "squishy" than usual..... when i think of tom lately, i think of him as my brother but i also am very aware of the fact that he is my mom's son. that he was her baby once upon a time and her first born. naturally as kids get older the snuggle less and there are fewer chances to rock, and share those intimate moments at bedtime. i am going to make sure i enjoy mine.
i have a squishy heart right now and i am taking extra time to snuggle luke before bed. i am not a happy lady that he is refusing to go to bed and that i have to rock him but while i rock him, i am enjoying these last little "tid bits of baby" before they are all gone. i have a theory to why i am more "squishy" than usual..... when i think of tom lately, i think of him as my brother but i also am very aware of the fact that he is my mom's son. that he was her baby once upon a time and her first born. naturally as kids get older the snuggle less and there are fewer chances to rock, and share those intimate moments at bedtime. i am going to make sure i enjoy mine.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Recipes--Stromboli and Stuffed French Toast
Two SUPER tasty recipes :) Now you have to remember that I don't really measure things...so you may have to figure out how much of each ingredient works for you!
STROMBOLI:
**Preheat oven to: 375 (350 longer time/400 less time and a bit crunchier...I actually did 350 for a while and turned up to 400 at the end)
***Need:
1 loaf frozen bread dough (thawed over night in the fridge)
Olive Oil
Seasonings (pizza seasoning, or oregano, thyme, etc. I used Penzey's spices Pizza Seasoning)
Mozzarella
1 Egg white
Garlic Salt
Toppings (I used pepperoni, black olives and ground beef however, fresh mushrooms, etc are tasty)
**Do:
Spray a cookie sheet with "Pam" and roll out dough into a rectangle on it
Poke the dough all over with a fork
Brush dough with olive oil, sprinkle with seasonings
Layer toppings down the middle of the dough--leave room on the ends and sides
Sprinkle with Mozzarella (and more seasoning if you want--I did)
Fold the dough up into the middle and pinch together. Pinch ends tight--kind of crinkle them up and fold.
You will have a "tidy present" :) Wisk your egg white a tiny bit until it is "loose" and easy to brush. Brush on the egg white (I used my hands instead to get the egg white all over the dough)--make sure it is covered well.
Poke holes all over the dough with your fork
Sprinkle with garlic salt (can do Parmesan cheese too)
**Bake for 30-40 minutes until beautiful golden brown :)
**Serve with pizza sauce on the side
STUFFED FRENCH TOAST
**Need:
Cinnamon Raisin Bread (or plain if you prefer...or any kind you want)
Eggs
Milk
Vanilla
Cream Cheese
Electric Skillet
**Do:
Wisk together eggs, milk, and vanilla to make a french toast dip (eye ball it)
Put cream cheese between two slices of bread
dip both sides of the sandwich into egg mixture
fry on electric skillet until golden brown
**Serve with powdered sugar sprinkled on top and/or syrup :)
ENJOY!
STROMBOLI:
**Preheat oven to: 375 (350 longer time/400 less time and a bit crunchier...I actually did 350 for a while and turned up to 400 at the end)
***Need:
1 loaf frozen bread dough (thawed over night in the fridge)
Olive Oil
Seasonings (pizza seasoning, or oregano, thyme, etc. I used Penzey's spices Pizza Seasoning)
Mozzarella
1 Egg white
Garlic Salt
Toppings (I used pepperoni, black olives and ground beef however, fresh mushrooms, etc are tasty)
**Do:
Spray a cookie sheet with "Pam" and roll out dough into a rectangle on it
Poke the dough all over with a fork
Brush dough with olive oil, sprinkle with seasonings
Layer toppings down the middle of the dough--leave room on the ends and sides
Sprinkle with Mozzarella (and more seasoning if you want--I did)
Fold the dough up into the middle and pinch together. Pinch ends tight--kind of crinkle them up and fold.
You will have a "tidy present" :) Wisk your egg white a tiny bit until it is "loose" and easy to brush. Brush on the egg white (I used my hands instead to get the egg white all over the dough)--make sure it is covered well.
Poke holes all over the dough with your fork
Sprinkle with garlic salt (can do Parmesan cheese too)
**Bake for 30-40 minutes until beautiful golden brown :)
**Serve with pizza sauce on the side
STUFFED FRENCH TOAST
**Need:
Cinnamon Raisin Bread (or plain if you prefer...or any kind you want)
Eggs
Milk
Vanilla
Cream Cheese
Electric Skillet
**Do:
Wisk together eggs, milk, and vanilla to make a french toast dip (eye ball it)
Put cream cheese between two slices of bread
dip both sides of the sandwich into egg mixture
fry on electric skillet until golden brown
**Serve with powdered sugar sprinkled on top and/or syrup :)
ENJOY!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Seemed So Real
i have had a tough evening..... when things wind down, and the kids are in bed, when the house is quieter and my thoughts have time to collect, when my day is not rushed--that is when i process.
i woke up this morning startled by my alarm clock. i had been in a dream that was so realistic that when i awoke, i was confused. i was certain i was somewhere else--not sure where--but it was not my house. immediately i thought back to my dream but most of it was already gone, already back to a dream. what i do remember has stuck with me most of the day but it was not until this evening, when i took time to process, that i realized how much it upset me. my dream was very realistic--i remember that i cloned tom. i remember him walking into the room where i was and his smile lit the entire space up. it was his easy going smile--the one he wore when he had not a care in the world. it was a smile that was usually reserved for "the ladies" he was trying to swoon, or just a REALLY good day for tom. in my dream, i recall his girlfriend rachel crying in the corner. she just kept repeating, "it is not tom. it is not tom. it is a clone. he is dead. he is dead." it broke my heart that i caused that pain by bringing him back. then i looked at her and while my heart was hurting, i wanted so much for tom to be alive so i reached out and patted his face (like i did so many times). then i woke up. i woke up to, what i swear, was the feeling of tom's face. it hurst me much to know that i did not really pat his face but it felt so real. in fact if i close my eyes right now, i swear i can see his face and feel on my hand the scratchy side of his face. it just seemed so real.
it was not until tonight when the house was quiet. when the kids had gone to bed. when my thoughts collected and my tears could no longer stay dammed up that i processed and cried. i cried for me. i cried for a while, let josh hold me and then called my mom. we cried together. we shared a few more funny stories of tom and then we talked about dreams. she too dreamt about tom in the past day--in fact hers was so real that she woke up and thought he was beside her. oddly enough, josh also dreamt about tom last night....and his was very realistic as well.
tom is showing up everywhere :)
i woke up this morning startled by my alarm clock. i had been in a dream that was so realistic that when i awoke, i was confused. i was certain i was somewhere else--not sure where--but it was not my house. immediately i thought back to my dream but most of it was already gone, already back to a dream. what i do remember has stuck with me most of the day but it was not until this evening, when i took time to process, that i realized how much it upset me. my dream was very realistic--i remember that i cloned tom. i remember him walking into the room where i was and his smile lit the entire space up. it was his easy going smile--the one he wore when he had not a care in the world. it was a smile that was usually reserved for "the ladies" he was trying to swoon, or just a REALLY good day for tom. in my dream, i recall his girlfriend rachel crying in the corner. she just kept repeating, "it is not tom. it is not tom. it is a clone. he is dead. he is dead." it broke my heart that i caused that pain by bringing him back. then i looked at her and while my heart was hurting, i wanted so much for tom to be alive so i reached out and patted his face (like i did so many times). then i woke up. i woke up to, what i swear, was the feeling of tom's face. it hurst me much to know that i did not really pat his face but it felt so real. in fact if i close my eyes right now, i swear i can see his face and feel on my hand the scratchy side of his face. it just seemed so real.
it was not until tonight when the house was quiet. when the kids had gone to bed. when my thoughts collected and my tears could no longer stay dammed up that i processed and cried. i cried for me. i cried for a while, let josh hold me and then called my mom. we cried together. we shared a few more funny stories of tom and then we talked about dreams. she too dreamt about tom in the past day--in fact hers was so real that she woke up and thought he was beside her. oddly enough, josh also dreamt about tom last night....and his was very realistic as well.
tom is showing up everywhere :)
Sunday, December 13, 2009
This Week's Menu
Sunday: Homemade Stromboli from frozen bread dough (ask me for the recipe--so easy and tasty) with Blackberries (on sale), Strawberries, Apples and Grapes
Monday: Frozen Lasagna, Steamed Broccoli and French Bread
Tuesday: Baked Tilapia, Grape Tomatoes with Fresh Mozzarella Balls, balsamic vinegar and basil, Wild Rice
Wednesday: Popcorn Shrimp, Creamy Shells and Cheese, Glazed Carrots
Thursday: Cinnamon Raisin Stuffed French Toast, Sausage/Bacon, Fruit Salad
Friday: Pot Roast, Mashed Potatoes, Corn/Peas
Saturday: Tacos?
Monday: Frozen Lasagna, Steamed Broccoli and French Bread
Tuesday: Baked Tilapia, Grape Tomatoes with Fresh Mozzarella Balls, balsamic vinegar and basil, Wild Rice
Wednesday: Popcorn Shrimp, Creamy Shells and Cheese, Glazed Carrots
Thursday: Cinnamon Raisin Stuffed French Toast, Sausage/Bacon, Fruit Salad
Friday: Pot Roast, Mashed Potatoes, Corn/Peas
Saturday: Tacos?
Friday, December 11, 2009
Remembering Christmas Past
This is from last year--Jack had free reign with my camera and he captured this picture of Luke sitting on my grandma's lap. Now remember, Luke was 1 1/2 and did not like ANYONE except his mom. I love that Grandma is still willing to her great grand son even if he is crying :)
This picture is of The Girls--My mom, her mom, my sister and me--in 2005. This is one of my all time favorite pictures. My grandma loved to get Christmas presents for us but was not always sure what to get. Because of her limited mobility, she often shopped from various catalogs so during the summer months, I would help her out by folding over pages that I thought had gifts on it that someone in the family would like. (mostly me!:)) Regardless of how old we were, we ALWAYS got a can of slim jims and a bag of Christmas Candy:) This will be our first Christmas without her and it even though it has been 6 months since her death, it still seems unreal most days.
My grandma and pa live just 1/2 mile down the road from my parents. When Tom would leave our parents, he would always ask Ben, "Do you want to go see Grandma down the road?". Because of this, Ben began calling her "Grandma Down the Road". I love it! When he was little, Grandma and pa were Ben's back up caregivers if Tom and Dad were called to a fire and mom was at work or sleeping. How many kids are lucky enough to have great grandparents who were able to care for them?!?!
This was Jack's first Christmas and it was a miserable one! First of all, he was not a great traveler and he was a pretty difficult baby. He was sick ALL of the time and his first Christmas was no exception--he had croup :( He was so sick in fact that we took him to the family doctor I saw as a kid and also called back later at night when he was on call to get further advice. Jack cried NON STOP and we (Josh and I) were worn out. Jack cried for my dad. He cried for my mom. He cried for Lynda. But when Tom showed up and held him, Jack was SILENT. Tom was so gentle with him--loving, sweet, caring. Tom was able to get Jack to sleep for a while....it was much appreciated! :) Tom loved Jack so very much!
Christmas with Tom was always interesting.... he is a goober, what can I say :) He decided that this shirt that was a gift for Ben would be for him instead. It was not Christmas if Tom did not pretend to wear something that was not his, put something on his head that was not a hat or just be a plain ole idiot :) (by the way, this picture was pre-jack)
A very Anxious Morning
tuesday night was a long night-the wind blew, the thunder clapped, the sleet sprayed--all of this kept me up and nervous. i was so nervous about the weather and driving in it that i only slept on and off most of the night and when my phone rang early wednesday morning, i got "anxiety belly"--so icky! wednesday i had a snow day--the roads were icy and snow covered. i stayed home all day, grateful that i had no where to go. thursday was also a snow day for me but jack-o still had school. the roads were icy and snow covered. i had options--josh said he could take him to school and start work later or i could have even kept jack home from school. but i opted to take him myself. this is pretty huge because i spent the few hours before preschool sick to my stomach--sick with anxiety. i knew i was nervous about driving but really could not process why. i have driven on icy roads before, in fact i have also driven in many a blizzards trying to get up to mtu to see josh. i have never been this anxious before about getting in the car and going out on the winter roads. on the way to school, luke sang and jack watched out the front window. he looked pretty nervous (perhaps he was picking up on my own anxiety and nervousness), and said he was helping to look for "things" for me. as i drove and thought about my children, the roads, my anxiety, etc. a realization hit me like a brick wall. i was mostly anxious because tom died in a car accident. true that his accident was not weather related at all but for some reason, it hit me that i was driving in a car and with the roads not that great, it could spell trouble for me or for someone else. the minute i came to that realization, i knew immediately that it was the root cause of my anxiety because relief flooded through my body and the tense-ness in my stomach eased significantly. i am amazed at what being honest with myself did for my stress level--by acknowledging the fact that tom's accident was causing me stress on my drive, i felt better.
i was able to drive home. i was also able to drive back and get jack without any anxiety at all. in fact, i feel so much better that i am no longer stressed about driving in the winter. i will continue to drive defensively and carefully but i will leave the stress where it belongs, not inside me!
i was able to drive home. i was also able to drive back and get jack without any anxiety at all. in fact, i feel so much better that i am no longer stressed about driving in the winter. i will continue to drive defensively and carefully but i will leave the stress where it belongs, not inside me!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
A Shameless Plug :)
my mom-in-law linda is a very talented lady! she has been writing children's stories for a few years now--her first one was in honor of jack's 2nd birthday. up until last year, she was writing the story, creating the art work with colored pencils and having a local office supply store bind them for her. enter in her latest work of art: I Love you Bigger Than the Sky. This book is ABSOLUTELY amazing! Not only is the story wonderful, all of the artwork was hand water colored by her and she published it though blurb.com. i am so proud of her! you can check this amazing book out for yourself by following this link (the link even allows you to read the story and see the art work). If you like the book and would like to purchase one, you can follow this link to get 10 dollars! I think the book makes an amazing gift for daycare providers, new parents, grandparents, and just about anyone that has seen the amazing love of a child grow.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
My Menu for the Week
SUNDAY:
Marinaded Round Steak
Skewered mushrooms
Olive Oil and Tuscan Seasoning Marinaded Grape Tomatoes and Fresh Mozzarella
Strawberries
Grilled Red Skin Potatoes
MONDAY:
Homemade Enchiladas
Spanish Rice
TUESDAY:
Grilled Sesame Ginger Pork “Chop” loins
Salad/Carrots
Roasted Red Skin/Sweet Potatoes
WEDNESDAY:
Rachel Ray's Go green chicken sammies
Guacamole
Carrots
Tortilla Chips
Leftover Spanish Rice
THURSDAY:
Sloppy Joes
Fruit :) (frozen strawberries or Apples)
Frozen Peas
Chips and Dip
FRIDAY:
Wang Ferry Brand--Spicy Garlic Chicken Meal
Fruit
Egg Rolls
SATURDAY:
I have plans so Josh will make something or take the kids out :)
Friday, December 4, 2009
It is Time: Part 2
monday morning november 2nd we woke up earlier than we had in recent days. it was the day of tom's funeral. we knew it would be a busy day so we had tried to get to bed earlier the night before but earlier for us was not that hard considering the norm had been around 2 or 3 am the previous nights.
All three of us kids had been baptized at St. Ann's Catholic Church--however, Tom had been baptized at the old Parrish while Lynda and I had been baptized at the new Parrish. All three of us have been through our first communion and confirmation at St.Ann's. Both Tom and I also got married at St.Ann's. In fact, growing up, we rarely missed a week of Mass--we attended as an entire family. when my grandma janik was alive, she was also a huge part of our weekly attendance at Mass. (on a side note, grandma was also the church secretary:)) okay enough reminiscing.... you get it, St.Ann's has been a huge part of our life :)
arriving at the church we found a HUGE ladder truck (yes...fire truck) backed into the church entrance, with the ladder half up and a huge flag flying high. we knew there would be firetrucks but to show up and find them there, it was just touching and beautiful. in fact, there were so many fire men and women from the city and township in attendance that there were many meetings between the liturgical minister at church and the firefighters to figure out how everything could fit into a service (Mass with other beautiful parts), and how the staging manager (yes...staging manager) would fit all the fire and emergency apparatus, plus figure out where all the various groups would sit, how many trucks would be left at city fire to cover any emergency that might happen during the funeral, etc. OKAY, so back to the day of :)
in addition to all of the very cool fire and emergency apparatus sitting outside the church, our family friend (who is also the church's liturgical minister) Jan created an amazing tribute to tom on the front altar. she took his fire gear and created a beautiful display--his firefighter bible was displayed proudly, a framed copy of his firefighters prayer, his helmet, boots, turnout gear all were set up to showcase who tom was.
we spent the hour or so before church paying our last respects to tom, and greeting family and friends. tom's casket was placed in the front of the church and continued to have honor guard stand over it. as a family, we were able to go up before Mass started AND at the beginning of Mass to say goodbye to tom. the service itself was beautiful. as it started, we were able to stand up front and place the pall over his casket--standing up there with us included my grandpa, my boys and husband, lynda's husband, tom's girlfriend rachel, tom's son and ex-wife, and tom's wonderful life long friend sarah. as we sat down, Mass started. I was brave enough to do the first reading. Lynda went up with me and we held hands to support each other during this tough time. our family friend Phil gave the second reading as well as one of the eulogies. After Father's homily, the first eulogy was given by retired fire chief and a friend of ours, gary. he delivered an amazing message that relayed toms' caring and giving. the message of this eulogy was tom was a giver of time--whenever someone needed anything, tom was there to give of his time and talents. it was an amazing eulogy. phil's eulogy followed and paid respect to tom by sharing the incredible work ethic he had, the amazing service he gave to the boyscouts of the years and what a wonderful friend he was to all.
following the eulogies, it was time to celebrate the Eucharist since we had a full mass. our family asked tom's closest friends to bring up the gifts with lynda and me. we also took up ben, jack and luke--each of the boys, as well as lynda, myself, and tom's very closest friends, carried long stem red roses. when we reached the altar we put the long stem roses in one of tom's fire boots. it was such a beautiful sight to see.
as we gave Father the hosts and wine, i realized there were no altar servers. now you have to realize that all three of us kids had been altar servers. tom started WAY back when he was barely old enough and i remember being jealous that he got to do it....girls were not allowed yet plus i was not old enough. in the years since, girls were allowed to and i became a regular mass altar server. during tom's funeral mass, i immediately stepped forward, asked Father if i could be of assistance and gave my service (lynda took the boys back to their seats). it just seemed like the right thing to do and would be a great way to honor all the service tom gave to the church.
as mass ended, we, as a family, went back up to tom's casket as the bagpipes played in the background. the pall bearers, including josh and john and many men and women who were close friends, gathered around his casket to lend the support to him now that he gave so freely to them when he was alive. it is interesting to me that i have been to so many funerals and yet this time i got more philosophical about why we have pall bearers. to me it is one last chance for the closest friends and family to support the deceased and their family--to give to that person the love the person gave while they were alive. we started to process out the church but had to wait....a long time.... i had no clue why :) we stood there while the bagpipes continued to play. i could hear sobbing all around me. finally it was time, and i figured out why we waited. the entire right side of the church, all of the emergency worker colleagues and friends of tom's lined the vestibule and path to the hearse. they saluted the casket as we passed through their tribute to tom and there was not a dry eye in the procession.
we immediately went out to the cemetery to hold tom's burial. this was the part of monday that i was dreading most. to me it is the ultimate goodbye and the thought of putting a body in the ground upsets me. i know it was not tom in the casket--his soul, spirit and heart were long gone but still his body, his earthen vessel remained in that damn box and to put it in the ground hurts. the procession out to the cemetery was over 2 miles long--pretty darn amazing if you ask me! as we passed people on the road, i saw people get out of their cars and nod in sympathy, we saw families salute, we saw many who grabbed their phones (probably to say, holy cow you will never guess that i just sat a TON of firetrucks behind a hearse:)) even though my boys would have loved it, i am grateful that grandma and grandpa tractor had kept them behind at the church to eat lunch....there was just so much that happened at the burial (next paragraph) that it is best they were not there.
once we got to the cemetery, my anxiety kicked in a bit. i saw those darn chairs set up in front of the gravesite. i hate those chairs--i hate what they stand for. i remember thinking at my grandma's burial, i am not sitting in those chairs. those are for people who are struggling, for family whose hearts hurt so bad that they have to sit down.....don't get me wrong, i do not judge those who sit down, in fact i encourage others to sit down. but in my own heart, i was not one of those people--i am strong and i am the one to support others--not the one to be supported. in the end, with encouragement from josh, i sat down. i sat next to sarah, lynda on her other side, then dad, mom and rachel. the chairs in front of tom were filled up. again the bag pipes started up and our last chance to be in tom's presence started. after Father's closing words and prayers, the fire chief of selma township approached my parents. if you remember, my dad is a part of the selma township fire department, they were the men and women who cared for tom at his accident, in addition tom used to be a part of that department as well. there was a lot of emotion as jason, the chief, approached my parents and gave them a flag in honor of tom. i had been so strong throughout the day. i had a few teary eye moments but overall i held things together very well. until this moment, as jason handed the flag to my parents i began to choke up. however, it was not until the next occurrence that i lost it and sobbed. after jason, the public safety director approached my parents with tom's fire helmet and asked them if he could give them something. they said sure. at that time, we heard lots of little clicks (figured out later it was the fire men and women turning on their fire radios) and then jeff used his radio to call central dispatch. he requested one last tone out for fallen fire fighter thomas janik (the tears are streaming down my face as i type right now)--central dispatch then went on to tone out for tom three times.every single radio at the cemetery went off in unison and it could be heard loud and clear--the love and support for fallen fire fighter Thomas Janik was announced! i have never seen so many men women sobbing in my entire life. it was beautiful, touching, emotional, sad, wonderful.....so many emotions all at the same time. afterward, no one seemed to want to leave but as they did, the emergency workers all lined up and tapped tom's casket on their way through. i sat and bawled.
as we returned to the church, we found the majority of the people stuck around for the luncheon. it was lovely to see all these friends share a meal together.
overall our day of goodbye for tom was beautiful, sad, yet happy. as my mom has said, we are not saying goodbye but see you later. with that tom, i will see you later.
All three of us kids had been baptized at St. Ann's Catholic Church--however, Tom had been baptized at the old Parrish while Lynda and I had been baptized at the new Parrish. All three of us have been through our first communion and confirmation at St.Ann's. Both Tom and I also got married at St.Ann's. In fact, growing up, we rarely missed a week of Mass--we attended as an entire family. when my grandma janik was alive, she was also a huge part of our weekly attendance at Mass. (on a side note, grandma was also the church secretary:)) okay enough reminiscing.... you get it, St.Ann's has been a huge part of our life :)
arriving at the church we found a HUGE ladder truck (yes...fire truck) backed into the church entrance, with the ladder half up and a huge flag flying high. we knew there would be firetrucks but to show up and find them there, it was just touching and beautiful. in fact, there were so many fire men and women from the city and township in attendance that there were many meetings between the liturgical minister at church and the firefighters to figure out how everything could fit into a service (Mass with other beautiful parts), and how the staging manager (yes...staging manager) would fit all the fire and emergency apparatus, plus figure out where all the various groups would sit, how many trucks would be left at city fire to cover any emergency that might happen during the funeral, etc. OKAY, so back to the day of :)
in addition to all of the very cool fire and emergency apparatus sitting outside the church, our family friend (who is also the church's liturgical minister) Jan created an amazing tribute to tom on the front altar. she took his fire gear and created a beautiful display--his firefighter bible was displayed proudly, a framed copy of his firefighters prayer, his helmet, boots, turnout gear all were set up to showcase who tom was.
we spent the hour or so before church paying our last respects to tom, and greeting family and friends. tom's casket was placed in the front of the church and continued to have honor guard stand over it. as a family, we were able to go up before Mass started AND at the beginning of Mass to say goodbye to tom. the service itself was beautiful. as it started, we were able to stand up front and place the pall over his casket--standing up there with us included my grandpa, my boys and husband, lynda's husband, tom's girlfriend rachel, tom's son and ex-wife, and tom's wonderful life long friend sarah. as we sat down, Mass started. I was brave enough to do the first reading. Lynda went up with me and we held hands to support each other during this tough time. our family friend Phil gave the second reading as well as one of the eulogies. After Father's homily, the first eulogy was given by retired fire chief and a friend of ours, gary. he delivered an amazing message that relayed toms' caring and giving. the message of this eulogy was tom was a giver of time--whenever someone needed anything, tom was there to give of his time and talents. it was an amazing eulogy. phil's eulogy followed and paid respect to tom by sharing the incredible work ethic he had, the amazing service he gave to the boyscouts of the years and what a wonderful friend he was to all.
following the eulogies, it was time to celebrate the Eucharist since we had a full mass. our family asked tom's closest friends to bring up the gifts with lynda and me. we also took up ben, jack and luke--each of the boys, as well as lynda, myself, and tom's very closest friends, carried long stem red roses. when we reached the altar we put the long stem roses in one of tom's fire boots. it was such a beautiful sight to see.
as we gave Father the hosts and wine, i realized there were no altar servers. now you have to realize that all three of us kids had been altar servers. tom started WAY back when he was barely old enough and i remember being jealous that he got to do it....girls were not allowed yet plus i was not old enough. in the years since, girls were allowed to and i became a regular mass altar server. during tom's funeral mass, i immediately stepped forward, asked Father if i could be of assistance and gave my service (lynda took the boys back to their seats). it just seemed like the right thing to do and would be a great way to honor all the service tom gave to the church.
as mass ended, we, as a family, went back up to tom's casket as the bagpipes played in the background. the pall bearers, including josh and john and many men and women who were close friends, gathered around his casket to lend the support to him now that he gave so freely to them when he was alive. it is interesting to me that i have been to so many funerals and yet this time i got more philosophical about why we have pall bearers. to me it is one last chance for the closest friends and family to support the deceased and their family--to give to that person the love the person gave while they were alive. we started to process out the church but had to wait....a long time.... i had no clue why :) we stood there while the bagpipes continued to play. i could hear sobbing all around me. finally it was time, and i figured out why we waited. the entire right side of the church, all of the emergency worker colleagues and friends of tom's lined the vestibule and path to the hearse. they saluted the casket as we passed through their tribute to tom and there was not a dry eye in the procession.
we immediately went out to the cemetery to hold tom's burial. this was the part of monday that i was dreading most. to me it is the ultimate goodbye and the thought of putting a body in the ground upsets me. i know it was not tom in the casket--his soul, spirit and heart were long gone but still his body, his earthen vessel remained in that damn box and to put it in the ground hurts. the procession out to the cemetery was over 2 miles long--pretty darn amazing if you ask me! as we passed people on the road, i saw people get out of their cars and nod in sympathy, we saw families salute, we saw many who grabbed their phones (probably to say, holy cow you will never guess that i just sat a TON of firetrucks behind a hearse:)) even though my boys would have loved it, i am grateful that grandma and grandpa tractor had kept them behind at the church to eat lunch....there was just so much that happened at the burial (next paragraph) that it is best they were not there.
once we got to the cemetery, my anxiety kicked in a bit. i saw those darn chairs set up in front of the gravesite. i hate those chairs--i hate what they stand for. i remember thinking at my grandma's burial, i am not sitting in those chairs. those are for people who are struggling, for family whose hearts hurt so bad that they have to sit down.....don't get me wrong, i do not judge those who sit down, in fact i encourage others to sit down. but in my own heart, i was not one of those people--i am strong and i am the one to support others--not the one to be supported. in the end, with encouragement from josh, i sat down. i sat next to sarah, lynda on her other side, then dad, mom and rachel. the chairs in front of tom were filled up. again the bag pipes started up and our last chance to be in tom's presence started. after Father's closing words and prayers, the fire chief of selma township approached my parents. if you remember, my dad is a part of the selma township fire department, they were the men and women who cared for tom at his accident, in addition tom used to be a part of that department as well. there was a lot of emotion as jason, the chief, approached my parents and gave them a flag in honor of tom. i had been so strong throughout the day. i had a few teary eye moments but overall i held things together very well. until this moment, as jason handed the flag to my parents i began to choke up. however, it was not until the next occurrence that i lost it and sobbed. after jason, the public safety director approached my parents with tom's fire helmet and asked them if he could give them something. they said sure. at that time, we heard lots of little clicks (figured out later it was the fire men and women turning on their fire radios) and then jeff used his radio to call central dispatch. he requested one last tone out for fallen fire fighter thomas janik (the tears are streaming down my face as i type right now)--central dispatch then went on to tone out for tom three times.every single radio at the cemetery went off in unison and it could be heard loud and clear--the love and support for fallen fire fighter Thomas Janik was announced! i have never seen so many men women sobbing in my entire life. it was beautiful, touching, emotional, sad, wonderful.....so many emotions all at the same time. afterward, no one seemed to want to leave but as they did, the emergency workers all lined up and tapped tom's casket on their way through. i sat and bawled.
as we returned to the church, we found the majority of the people stuck around for the luncheon. it was lovely to see all these friends share a meal together.
overall our day of goodbye for tom was beautiful, sad, yet happy. as my mom has said, we are not saying goodbye but see you later. with that tom, i will see you later.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Scene of an Accident
i drove past the scene of an accident on my way home last night and thought of you tom. i was on highway 57 and could see lights from quite aways away. it made my heart leap out and my first thought was of your accident--i couldn't help but think about the men and women who responded to your accident, the lights on the trucks that flashed away in the dark night, the people who wondered what happened and if there were any victims. i was quite upset but held it together. jack was in the truck with me and asked if everyone was okay--i assured him that the accident did not look too bad and i was pretty sure people were okay. in my heart, however, all i could think about was you. i pondered that for quite a while,until i realized that when i see an accident, instead of thinking of your death, i would rather think of how you were always the first one at the scene to assist. you were a dedicated fire fighter and a great first responder. i will always remember the day i realized how amazing you were--you were young, maybe 19 or 20, and arrived at a scene where a dad and son had an accident where they were logging and the son had been electrocuted. you never gave a second thought, immediately started care for the young man and gave him cpr all the way to the hospital.that was the day that i realized you had a gift that so many others needed--the gift to do what is hard so that others may have a chance at life. you had a gift that is critical to keeping other safe. you shared that gift so freely. i was so proud of you and still am.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
It is Time; Part 1
yesterday was a peaceful day. today was a peaceful day. when i say peaceful, i mean that my heart misses tom but it does not ache. i do not tear up at various moments throughout the day. instead, when i think of tom, my heart is lighter and full of hope for him. my heart is full of the love that i feel for him, the love that others feel for him, the love that i know he gave others so unconditionally.
with that being said, i think it is time for me to blog about his amazing farewell. i have thought about it every day since the funeral but my heart was so tender that by writing the words, by putting down the day on paper, it felt like a final farewell to tom that i was just not ready to give. it has been a month and 3 days since tom's accident. i think i am finally ready to share the last day i was able to see his earthly body, the day we gave him a send off.
tom's visitation was held on sunday, november 1st. we spent most of the weekend preparing picture boards and gathering treasures that we wanted to showcase as a part of tom's life. at one point, i had so much at the funeral home that i mentioned to the funeral director that i had too much there to let me know so i could take some home :) he smiled and said i was fine! we had tom's first pair of roller skates there (teeny white baby shoes that my uncle roger had hand welded "trucks" for and attached them to the bottoms), his boyscout uniforms, fire gear, pictures from past and present, letters from friends remembering tom, and so much more. the firemen had an amazing slide show of tom's service for them. they also made a gorgeous shadow box for ben that held tom's "fire tag", his patches, several pictures of him, etc. it is an amazing remembrance of tom that i am sure ben will cherish as he gets older. the funeral home looked as personable as we could make it. looking around, you certainly felt tom's presence!
knowing that we would have a fairly large gathering of family and friends, we decided to hold an hour of the visitation for family only and then three hours for tom's friends to come and pay their respects. it was absolutely amazing at how many people stopped by the funeral home! we were blown away by the sheer numbers of people, the kindness, the hugs, the friendship, the cards, the memories. many of these people who stopped by were friends of tom's. others were family friends, many of whom we have not seen in many years! it was amazing to see people who we had not been in touch with in so long still show up because of the impact my family has had on their lives. among the friends were old girlfriends of tom's, childhood buddies, employees of my parents' from when we owned the roller skating rink, neighbors whom have since moved, friends from out of town, etc.
for the entire visitation, honor guard, made up of local firemen and women, stood honor guard by tom's casket. to see them standing there, two at a time, guarding tom was absolutely beautiful. it was touching to see the respect they held for tom. my had placed herself near the front of the funeral home, near tom's casket and my dad had placed himself near the back. lynda and i were left to mingle on our own. we made sure to keep mom and dad supplied with a cup of water and kleenex :)
for me, the most touching moment of the visitation came near the end. sarah (family friend) and i were sitting on a bench when i looked over and noticed a group of people around my dad. as i looked closer, the people surrounding him were all parents who have lost children--and the deaths had actually happened quite recently. specifically these moms and dads had lost young adults--teenagers and young twenties. they surrounded my dad and poured their love into him. it was amazing to see these moms and dads who were still grieving over the loss of their own child give my dad support and encouragement. it was amazing to see them take him and guide him, to help him grieve.
the visitation, scheduled for three hours, ended up going for four and a half. it was a wonderful four and a half hours--you probably don't hear that very often about funeral visitations....however, even though we gathered to mourn my brother's death, it was still a wonderful time of sharing, crying, laughing, and grieving. it was wonderful to see the love and support for tom and know that so many people continue to pray for him and our family.
with that being said, i think it is time for me to blog about his amazing farewell. i have thought about it every day since the funeral but my heart was so tender that by writing the words, by putting down the day on paper, it felt like a final farewell to tom that i was just not ready to give. it has been a month and 3 days since tom's accident. i think i am finally ready to share the last day i was able to see his earthly body, the day we gave him a send off.
tom's visitation was held on sunday, november 1st. we spent most of the weekend preparing picture boards and gathering treasures that we wanted to showcase as a part of tom's life. at one point, i had so much at the funeral home that i mentioned to the funeral director that i had too much there to let me know so i could take some home :) he smiled and said i was fine! we had tom's first pair of roller skates there (teeny white baby shoes that my uncle roger had hand welded "trucks" for and attached them to the bottoms), his boyscout uniforms, fire gear, pictures from past and present, letters from friends remembering tom, and so much more. the firemen had an amazing slide show of tom's service for them. they also made a gorgeous shadow box for ben that held tom's "fire tag", his patches, several pictures of him, etc. it is an amazing remembrance of tom that i am sure ben will cherish as he gets older. the funeral home looked as personable as we could make it. looking around, you certainly felt tom's presence!
knowing that we would have a fairly large gathering of family and friends, we decided to hold an hour of the visitation for family only and then three hours for tom's friends to come and pay their respects. it was absolutely amazing at how many people stopped by the funeral home! we were blown away by the sheer numbers of people, the kindness, the hugs, the friendship, the cards, the memories. many of these people who stopped by were friends of tom's. others were family friends, many of whom we have not seen in many years! it was amazing to see people who we had not been in touch with in so long still show up because of the impact my family has had on their lives. among the friends were old girlfriends of tom's, childhood buddies, employees of my parents' from when we owned the roller skating rink, neighbors whom have since moved, friends from out of town, etc.
for the entire visitation, honor guard, made up of local firemen and women, stood honor guard by tom's casket. to see them standing there, two at a time, guarding tom was absolutely beautiful. it was touching to see the respect they held for tom. my had placed herself near the front of the funeral home, near tom's casket and my dad had placed himself near the back. lynda and i were left to mingle on our own. we made sure to keep mom and dad supplied with a cup of water and kleenex :)
for me, the most touching moment of the visitation came near the end. sarah (family friend) and i were sitting on a bench when i looked over and noticed a group of people around my dad. as i looked closer, the people surrounding him were all parents who have lost children--and the deaths had actually happened quite recently. specifically these moms and dads had lost young adults--teenagers and young twenties. they surrounded my dad and poured their love into him. it was amazing to see these moms and dads who were still grieving over the loss of their own child give my dad support and encouragement. it was amazing to see them take him and guide him, to help him grieve.
the visitation, scheduled for three hours, ended up going for four and a half. it was a wonderful four and a half hours--you probably don't hear that very often about funeral visitations....however, even though we gathered to mourn my brother's death, it was still a wonderful time of sharing, crying, laughing, and grieving. it was wonderful to see the love and support for tom and know that so many people continue to pray for him and our family.
Wonderful Students :)
on mondays, i like to start my classes with "good things"...i try for every day but sometimes it slips away :) yesterday, after listening to my students share their positive things from the weekend, i spent a few seconds sharing my weekend time with my parents. they seemed genuinely interested in my second block, so today i brought in a few pictures--one of ben with my boys, one of tom's gravesite and cross, one of us getting our Christmas tree, etc. i am amazed at how intently they sat and listened to me. they made great eye contact, smiled encouragingly and asked supportive questions. my heart is touched so greatly. i also had a student, a young man, come up afterwards to thank me for sharing and to tell me that he was proud of my strength. i am blown away every day by the compassion and kindness my students show me. i am blessed to be a teacher and blessed to have such wonderful students!
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